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Caring for the Elderly - an Ongoing Struggle

• Message 1. 

  Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Thursday, 5th January 2012

  Just after Christmas Spouse and I moved Elderly Relative into sheltered accommodation. It was his own feeling that he needed to move somewhere where there was support. Spouse and I identified a place, took him to see it, bought new furniture, found a solicitor, dealt with estate agents, hired a van and organised the move.
  
  We have just returned from a week's holiday - which was a blissful escape.
  
  Have just been to see ER. I realise that the move is a very big upheaval in his life - an enormous adjustment.
  
  However the visit made me want to scream. When he was in his old flat, he never went out anywhere - other than to doctor, dentist, barber. Now he is talking non-stop about being a virtual prisoner and wanting to get out and go into the city centre - but saying he can't because he doesn't know the bus routes from there - and that he will get lost if he walks to the nearest shops which are five minutes away. (Someone walked there with him while we were away, but his poor memory means he hasn't retained the infomation.)
  
  He talked in a rather confused way about wanting to find out where the bus stop was for the route that would take him to the part of the city where his old flat was, because he could then get the bus from there into the centre of town. (That's the equivalent of wanting to go from Hackney to Chelsea to get a bus to Trafalgar Square, and then back again to Chelsea in order to return to Hackney. There are direct bus routes from close to the flat straight into the centre, but I cannot recall ER taking any new bus in the last fifteen years.)
  
  He said that he had to go out because he was not sufficiently active now that lunch is cooked for him in his new accommodation. However he's also paying people at the new place to do his washing for him, rather than learning how to use the communal laundry facilities himself.
  
  He also asked me to organise buying fresh milk for him. I pointed out that a milkman delivers daily to his sheltered accommodation - so the sensible thing would be to order a couple of pints a week, as he did from the milkman at his old flat. I added as we could only shop for him once a week any resh milk we bought would go off. He looked at me stubbornly and said, 'But I thought you would carry on shopping for me'. I said, 'Yes, but we'll do that for things that you can't get in any other way. You can get the milkman here to bring you fresh milk.'
  
  Somehow the milk seems to be the last straw. His old flat is really filthy from years of neglect - as well as full of unwanted possessions which need sorting and disposing of.
  
  Right now the future is looking pretty grim to me.

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Scarlett the Harlot (U14540168) on Thursday, 5th January 2012

  Dear me Moose you have my sympathy you really do.
  
  I am afraid that I would feel rather hard done by if I were you given you have done so much to help your ER.
  
  Especially as I assume you now have to sort out a filthy flat full of crapola as well which will be immensely time consuming.
  
  It seems to be that your ER is being cantankerous and ungrateful.

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by savannahlady (U2362903) on Thursday, 5th January 2012

  Moose - if it is any consolation to you, we went through all this very same thing with my mother when she first went into residential accommodation. He will get used to it in time and will forget what he used to do so please don't let it get to you or make you feel upset. When he complains just gently point out the benefits to him of being where he now is and keep on doing so. The very elderly are rarely happy with any form of change, even when they knew that, initially at least, it had seemed llike a good idea. Just quietly persevere and do not get upset about it. The other thing many elderly fail to do is to thank you for your efforts on their behalf!
  
  Take care
  
  love
  
  Savvie

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by douglas the rabbit (U13762692) on Thursday, 5th January 2012

  Moose, I think he's just very confused and disturbed by the transition. If he only moved just after Christmas it's very early days for him, particularly if you and OH have been away on holiday and not around to provide reassurance/sort out problems for him. If he has cognitive/memory problems a new environment is bound to be a challenge.
  
  Have you spoken to the powers that be to see how they think he's doing? They may be able to tell you whether he's experiencing more than average difficulty in adjusting, and suggest ways to help him settle, find his way around, etc.
  
  He may also be punishing you for your part in encouraging him to go into sheltered accommodation. Not logical, not fair, but common enough.
  
  Bear in mind too - and I speak from experience, I'm afraid - that the complaining and moaning may be much worse when you are around, and he may appear in a more positive light for people he knows less well. It's always the N&D who get it in the neck.
  
  Decide how often you are able to visit, and how much extraneous stuff like shopping it is reasonable or possible for you to do for him. Tell him this, and write it down if he can't remember things. Reassure him that you will still be part of his life. Remind him of all the positive benefits of the move - no domestic responsibilities, good food provided, help always at hand. He may not listen, he may reject what you say, but keep on saying it anyway.
  
  I hope he will settle down - they mostly do - and that you can have your life back. Don't rush at clearing his former home - there's all the time in the world to sort it out.
  
  And don't allow yourselves to be made to feel guilty about any of this.
  
  Good luck.
  
  

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by The Flea (U14601609) on Thursday, 5th January 2012

  I know it's not really about the milk (if only it were that simple) but Cravendale (and supermarket own types too - in Tesco it's called 'Pure') are absolutely brilliant and last for ages. The bottles in my fridge have a use by date of 23rd Jan.
  
  It's not 'long life', it tastes exactly like normal milk, it's just been filtered more than normal milk (that's my knowledge on the subject anyway).

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Thursday, 5th January 2012

  Poor you, Moose, but I'm afraid I could have taken a bet that it would be like this... It has taken my Aged P the best part of 18 months to settle down, and stop trying to escape, and stop ranting and railing.
  
  Both Savvie and Douglas have got it about right. I don't like change, and I'm only in my 50s, so how much worse must it be when you are a couple of decades older, and relatively powerless?
  
  Bide your time, and fix that rictus smile on your face, and all will be well eventually.

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 6.

  Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Friday, 6th January 2012

  Just had phone call from Aged P. She actually sounded HAPPY and didn't rant or complain about anything.
  
  Oh, how lovely - I can relax for a whole weekend!

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by savannahlady (U2362903) on Friday, 6th January 2012

  There you go - brilliant news Lili! I know so well that feeling of relief. It's hard but one does just have to be patient and let things settle down. My mother 'came out' for the first two Christmases - to our house which was (indeed still is) only two miles away, but for her final two years she was very happy where she was and where they made her so comfortable and happy. I hope the good times continue for you Lili and that they are not too slow in coming for you Moose.
  
  love
  
  Savvie

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by the_shellgrottolady (U2395646) on Sunday, 8th January 2012

  Early days Moose but you do have my sympathy.
  Sometimes sheltered accomodation arranges weekly shopping trips in a minibus - no doubt that will be wrong for your ER as well but it might be worth looking into, if they do it.
  Could he not just order a taxi and take himself into town that way? Or is it too far? I know my ex MIL and some of the other residents used to share a taxi to the shops once a week. They got fed up with the minibus because it went too early and didn't allow enough time in the asda cafe. Perhaps if he knows that he has an escape route whenever he wants he might feel better about being there.
  Once xmas has died down he might start making some friends and feeling better about it. Hope so

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• Message 10

  , in reply to message 9.

  Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Sunday, 8th January 2012

  Things may be starting to go a little better...

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 10.

  Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Sunday, 8th January 2012

  Fingers crossed for you, FoM!

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• Message 12

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