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I am so upset ...
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Morse Lives (U1863548) on Monday, 16th January 2012
I had a call from my son who lives in Germany.
A friend of his, in fact the first friend he made in Hamburg six years ago, died on Friday. He was 36, and died in his sleep, it would seem. His flatmate found him. An inquest will be held.
I am very upset, he was a lovely chap, and I have many fond memories of him. His friends and family are in pieces.
My lad is devastated, and as he moved into a new flat with his girlfriend over this weekend, he is exhausted and stressed too. I have been ringing him every day since I heard as he says that it helps to hear my voice.
Today he was on the verge of tears, and said it was very hard for him to get up and get going. I suggested that I go over and visit him, but he said that it would be too much for him to handle a guest [which I quite understand] and that he needs to sort out his flat and his pain as well. He wants me to keep calling him, which of course I will.
I know there is nothing else I can do, just wanted to let off steam. -
Message 2
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 16th January 2012
Sad news. It's particularly difficult to deal with the grief when a young person dies for no apparent reason. Reading your post, I found myself thinking that your son is lucky to feel able to talk about how much of a shock this has been and how sad he is about it. So many men, certainly of an older generation, just bottle their grief up. And how good it is that he can talk to you about how bad he feels.
The first time someone of one's own age/cohort dies always brings up a lot of stuff about one's own mortality. It's one of those coming of age experiences and resonates deeply. I'm not sure whether going to visit him will help: it's something that will take time for him to work through and assimiliate.
Sad for him that this has happened just at the time he's moved in with his girlfriend, which should be an exciting period for them both. -
Message 3
Posted by Morse Lives (U1863548) on Monday, 16th January 2012
Morganish, thanks for your very thoughtful response.
You are right, going over would achieve very little. He and I are instant messaging as I write.
We have always been able to talk about anything and everything and I know he values that very highly. He has just said that he would really like to see me, but things are all over the place atm,
He is self employed and works from home, so he needs his space to be ok, and he is struggling with all the practicalities of moving, as well as his grief. -
Message 4
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Monday, 16th January 2012
How awful for him (and you), Phelpa. His friend was so young, too. I hope your son's girlfriend (and other mutual friends) can give him, and each other, support. Could you go over and stay in a guest house nearby? All the best. Bette
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Message 5
Posted by Morse Lives (U1863548) on Monday, 16th January 2012
How awful for him (and you), Phelpa. His friend was so young, too. I hope your son's girlfriend (and other mutual friends) can give him, and each other, support. Could you go over and stay in a guest house nearby? All the best. Bette  That may be what I will do, Bette.
He has said that he is really up the wall at the moment, and cannot think straight , unsurprisingly. I suggested we discuss it later, when he is more composed, and that pleased him.
His girlfriend is great support,and he has other friends, it is just that he has been feeling quite home-sick,and this is not helping.
I don't want him to come back to the UK , he has so much going for him in Germany, but he has lived abroad for four years now,and it is showing.
I have never lived abroad, but many in my family have , and I have been told that the homesickness is awful and paralysing sometimes. -
Message 6
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 16th January 2012
Phelpa, I don't have children so I don't know anything, but right now he's got a lot on his plate, including a new living situation with his girlfriend, and probably doesn't need his mum around in person, no matter how much he loves you and looks to you for support. He sounds very tuned-in and aware of what he needs, so I would take the lead from him and just be available.
It occurs to me that having a young man die in the prime of his life in such circumstances is something that every parent dreads. And having your own young man in the prime of his life, this event will have touched a deep nerve in you. -
Message 7
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Monday, 16th January 2012
I think that loss - and learning to cope with it - are part of growing up.
This isn't to say that seeing a child grieve isn't painful. But they need to to find a way to deal with bereavement, because other friends - and relations - will also die.
So it's useful to be on the end of the phone as a listening ear. But I really wouldn't do more than that. -
Message 8
Posted by BrightYangThing (U14627705) on Monday, 16th January 2012
Phelpa
So sorry this has happened to your son's friend and that son is so far away.
But it is a tribute to your mothering that he can and does value talking to you about such things. But I would agree with Morganish - unless he specifically asks, I would stick to being on the end of the phone when he wants to call. Let him lead. You could suggest you both set up skype (free) so you can do face to face if you have integral webcams on computer.
You may actually undermine his relationship with his Girlfriend if Mummy is too close at the first sign of stress.
I know how hard it is. We had a similar close loss for my then 17 year old son. But he and his peer group wonderfully found their own strengths and ways through it whilst also enjoying the open but distanced support of parents and siblings.
Wishing peace and strength to all. -
Message 9
Posted by savannahlady (U2362903) on Monday, 16th January 2012
Phelpa, I don't have children so I don't know anything, but right now he's got a lot on his plate, including a new living situation with his girlfriend, and probably doesn't need his mum around in person, no matter how much he loves you and looks to you for support. He sounds very tuned-in and aware of what he needs, so I would take the lead from him and just be available.Â
I think that is the very best advice Morganish. IME working with people who have lost youngsters, the young themselves need to find their own ways to deal with their grief - it is part of adult llife that we must face and deal with the very worst losses and we cannot and should not protect them from facing them. Being there in the background to speak to, especially now we have Skype for communications, is what we can offer and what they will appreciate as they make their way through what has happened, why it happened and what it means for them and for their other friends and the deceased's family too - who must be devastated..
We nearly lost one of my nephews (he was 29 at the time) a couple of years ago to Sudden Cardiac Arrest Syndrome. Perhaps because he had been with someone who knew what to do when he collapsed, T was fortunate enough to make it, though it was touch and go. I well remember the shock of all his many friends - how could this happen to a fit, healthy young man who didn't drink, smoke or do drugs? It is their own vulnerability that this speaks to as much as to their sadness for their friend. And that will likely be true for your son as well.
Kindly, reassuring support is what is called for I think.
all the best to you and to your son and his friends
Savvie -
Message 10
Posted by Morse Lives (U1863548) on Monday, 16th January 2012
Thank you all for you messages, I am very touched.
I will not be going to Germany, I do not think it wise, but he has Skyped me three times today, so at least he can express himself in his first language. Despite the fact he is a linguist, and a published author in German, he says he needs to talk in English.
It is not the first loss he has suffered, he lost his Father at the age of 8, and three Grandparents by the time he was 18, but it is the first among his contemporaries. He and I have been through a lot together, [ I have had cancer and chemo twice], so I am so glad that he can talk to me. -
Message 11
Posted by savannahlady (U2362903) on Monday, 16th January 2012
He and I have been through a lot together, [ I have had cancer and chemo twice], so I am so glad that he can talk to me.Â
That explains a lot Phelpa. You are both very lucky to have each other and to be able to provide support and comfort when needed in an understanding and 'rational' way IYSWIM.
all the best
Savvie -
Message 12
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Monday, 16th January 2012
It would seem that for both of you the death of a young man has evoked memories of other, earlier losses - and that you and your son are particularly close because other family members are no longer alive.
For some reason your post has reminded me of the first time when, as a young adult, a friend died. (She was rather older than me and had secondary cancer.)
I was living 200 miles away from my mother in a flat where there was no phone other than a callbox in a communal hall. I wrote to my mother a few days after my loss. She replied, in due course, that she was sorry to hear of my friend's death, but that I should be grateful that my friend had been spared further pain and debilitating illness.
At the time I regarded my mother's response as unfeeling.
In subsequent years, I think that while she was a little 'cool' in her tone, she had also done me a service in reminding me that what had been a major event to me, was (to her) just another example of the sad things that do happen from time totime .
I hope that this doesn't sound an unfeeling response. It's just that I think my mother's rather detached comments ended up being as useful to me as the warmer support I had from the people I lived with. -
Message 13
Posted by LoopyLobes (U14384399) on Monday, 16th January 2012
Your son is very lucky to be able to be so honest and open about his feelings with you. I can't offer any advice that hasn't already been given, but you sound like you're doing perfectly well. This will take time, of course it will, it's terribly sad. Much better to grieve fully and early on than to bottle it up and put a brave face on things for the sake of others, I find, not that we always have any say in how these things affect us.
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Message 14
Posted by notsoglitzynow (U6881218) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
Darling Phelpa, so sorry to hear this sad news. My heart goes out to you and to your dear son. Big hugs to both. You know where I am.
glitz X -
Message 15
Posted by politebirder (U4482231) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
And me, dear mate.
Just back from me hols but ring me any time.
PB xx -
Message 16
Posted by Morse Lives (U1863548) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
Thank you all so very much for all the love, support and advice. I cannot tell you how much it means to me.
Those who know me personally will know that I lead quite a busy life, and today is busy, and there are things to do that have to be done, if that makes any sense.
I have not heard from Phelpasson yet, which may be a good thing, but I will continue to support him all I can, and come in here for support.
The hard part now is waiting for the Post Mortem results. If it is hard for us, his family must be in torment. -
Message 17
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
Writing a letter to the family, saying how much the deceased young man meant to him, how he was his first friend in Germany etc would be an excellent way for your son to get his feelings down on paper - and in my experience, such a letter would be welcomed by the family. I think writing is better than emailing or phoning. The process of writing can be therapeutic for the person writing, and a letter which can be handed around the family, reread and kept is, in my experience, always welcomed. When someone dies it is a comfort to learn how much that person was loved and appreciated.
Doing something - writing a letter, writing a eulogy, preparing a poem or a reading for a funeral - can be enormously helpful in my experience. Having to organise one's thoughts, having to remember the funny and interesting things about someone who has died and so on can help one begin come to terms with what has happened.
I hope today things seem a little less raw for you both. -
Message 18
Posted by LoopyLobes (U14384399) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
This is such a good idea.
When we were very young we lost my sister in law (early 20s). Our shock was such at the time that we really didn't take in what people said to us and we young ones concentrated all our thoughts on protecting her parents, never really grieving properly ourselves. Strange how different things were back then, my OH (only 22 himself) felt he had to stay strong or they'd all fall apart and friends back then simply weren't as demonstrative as people are nowadays.
Last year my mother in law died and when we were going through her things we found a box containing all the sympathy cards and letters that people had sent all those years ago. They were lovely to read from a "distance", still very sad and we had a good blub, but boy I wish we'd done that back then, however painful it would have been it would have done us good. -
Message 19
Posted by notsoglitzynow (U6881218) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
Loopy, my OH died when my son was twelve, and my daughter, eleven years older, was newly married and had just had a baby. My wonderful grandson!
But, at nineteen, my son said he had issues with his father and himself. (Our marriage was on the verge of collapsing when he died). I told my son that there was no time limit on bereavement counselling, and organised it for him. I took him there every week for six weeks. I have no idea what was said, none of my business. But it worked for him, and he found peace about his family. -
Message 20
Posted by San Fairy Anne (U14257911) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
Just got to see this Phelpa. I cannot add anything to the excellent things others have said except to say that writing letters is IME helpful to both the writer and those who receive them. If you met the young man I am sure a letter to his family would be much appreciated and I hope your son would appreciate it too. Thinking of you. SFAnneâ„¢
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Message 21
Posted by Morse Lives (U1863548) on Tuesday, 17th January 2012
Thank you all for your help and advice, and messages of support. I have sent a card, and will write when we have the results of the inquest and know what is going on.
I do not know what the family's command of English is,but I am sure that a letter is the best thing.
Love and best wishes to you all from me and Phelpasson. We have Skyped again a couple of times today,it seems to help.
PS
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