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Alcohol Concerns APRIL...
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Message 1.Â
Posted by madjohnfinn (U11268477) on Sunday, 8th April 2012
happy easter morning fellow soberinos& those of you still within the hideous grasp of the bottle/can/whatever receptacle& those of you suffering along with family of friends so gripped& anyone else who's interested...my name isn't really madjohnfinn, but i *am* really an alcohlic...well, this is a strange one to be sure...i haven't been to visit for quite a while, and having had my ravening, slavering beast rattling his chains for a day or two and not being in a position to get to a meeting for a few days i thought i'd check in for a plate of soul-food as it were...but there's no one to be found...the mind boggles with all manner of unpleasant possibilities...but i'm goingto hope all is well, and that you've all found less computery things to be doing...anyhoo, i sincerely hope that all is as well as possible for you all...
so, the beast...he's been doing press-ups and weights and steroids whilst i wasn't watching, and i'm sure his teeth have got bigger and pointier...i can't really nail-down a cause, probably lack of due-dilligence on my part...ok, *definitely* lack of due dilligence on my part, and as soon as i get home on thursday it's to a meeting i shall go...for now though, it's a ramble here on my own...
and the rather worrying realisation that it appears to be me opening the thread...if you're new, or just lurking please don't be put of by by shambling rambling incompetance - there are usually many people here with many insightful and helpful and interesting and relevant things to say, stories to relate, support to offer and all manner of GoodStuff- so if there's actually anyone out there and you fancy helping me out here, come on in- the water's lovely! well ok, i'll be honest, it's not always lovely- sometimes it can be a little harsh and uncomfortable...but sometimes that's just what we need whether we like it or not...and there are enough life-jackets for all...
right, i'm going to stop here and attempt to copy and paste some relevant links an' t'ing, but due to my general hoplessness they'll be in the next message- i forgot to get my *^&% together before i started waffling...so, much love to you all and here goes with scary techno stuff
The following links may be of help. A good starting point for someone who wants to assess whether or not they should be concerned is this one
www.drinkaware.co.uk...
Sources of help in dealing with a problem include
www.alcoholics-anony... (AA UK)
www.smartrecovery.or...
www.giveupdrinking.c...
Help for those whose concern is the drinker rather than the drink
www.al-anonuk.org.uk... (Al Anon UK)
www.activeboard.com/... (This is the US Alanon site which has a message board and a chat room – recommended by Tattyhead)
www.adfam.org.uk/...
heyyy, whaddya know...i think i did it! haw!
best, love &c.&c.
mjf -
Message 2
Posted by madjohnfinn (U11268477) on Sunday, 8th April 2012
...ok, if there's anyone who feels qualified and competant enough to be able to post those links so they appear as links i'd be eternally grateful, and i'm also slightly concenerned that as an opener my post was a little flippant, for which i apologise...this thread is also for those of a much more serious disposition; it's just that if i don't treat my dis-ease with a light touch i have an unfortunate habit of allowing myself to get sucked into a top-gun-like negative gee flat-spin
right, be good my friends and bear hugs for all
mjf -
Message 3
Posted by Tattyhead (U2777247) on Sunday, 8th April 2012
I don't know how do to links either but thanks for posting them. De-lurking to wish Happy Easter to all. Hope you are having a good/reasonable weekend.
Tatty x -
Message 4
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Sunday, 8th April 2012
Thanks madjohnfinn and good to see you (and Tatty, as well). Here's a link to the start of last month's thread which has all the links as links (I'm away from the computer where I keep a document which lets me cut and paste them so I'm being idle, I'm afraid)
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Message 5
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Sunday, 8th April 2012
Sorry to hear about the rattling chains, by the way - I hope you've got him back in his place by now. I find that holiday weekends can be unsettling things - too many associations.
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Message 6
Posted by BasiainBrooklyn (U505001) on Sunday, 8th April 2012
So good to see you MJF. Glad you're here, keep coming back. Seeing your name in here always reminds me of Nick Cave, who was my first ever example of a creative person I admire who didn't lose his mojo by getting sober...because of course I had mine intact while drinking...yeah, right.
Must dash, Easter cooking and cleaning going on here, but thanks so much for opening up.
Bx -
Message 7
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Sunday, 8th April 2012
Thanks for opening mjf. Thanks too to Fee for linking back to last month's links, which is all that is needed really. Sorry to hear you're having to deal with slavering monsters. As I mentioned elsethread my main slavering monster is craving chocolate eggs at the moment, the one that does alcohol seems to have left me for the past few years. I wish you all the strength you need to deal with them and hope your meeting later in the week is a help.
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Message 8
Posted by doughy hood (U2352167) on Sunday, 8th April 2012
Hi All, I hope that all who celebrate Easter have had a good Easter Sunday. I have lifted the links from the first page of last month's thread:
The following links may be of help. A good starting point for someone who wants to assess whether or not they should be concerned is this one
Sources of help in dealing with a problem include
(AA UK)
Help for those whose concern is the drinker rather than the drink
(Al Anon UK)
(This is the US Alanon site which has a message board and a chat room – recommended by Tattyhead)
The Forgotten Carers: Support for adult family members affected by a relative's drug problems
I'll drop in again soon, otherwise I'll just lurk.
Doughy. -
Message 9
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Friday, 13th April 2012
Just bumping in case anyone is looking for the thread - although it seems out of fashion at the moment.
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Message 10
Posted by BasiainBrooklyn (U505001) on Friday, 13th April 2012
It does doesn't it Fee?
Funnily enough I just thought of this thread as I'm just listening to the poor woman on R4 who was left blind by her boyfriend's attack on her. I was struck by "I thought this time he's gone too far" and realised she was talking about a pattern of drinking and domestic violence. She thought she could save him, that each time she took him back it would be different. Absolutely heartbreaking that this woman is now blind, can't see her own children, and yet has the wherewithall to speak out to other women in domestic violence relationships. "Get out while you can". -
Message 11
Posted by superjan3 (U6523409) on Friday, 13th April 2012
Yes, I heard that sad story about that woman who has been blinded by her partner. I got out of one relationship after the first punch, only to end up very quickly in another that was damaging emotionally. I've been happily single for some time now.
That makes me think of anniversaries, it will be my fifth (hopefully) without a drink in June. As I'm coming up to it I'm finding myself worrying that I'll do something to jinx it - not necessarily drink, just falter a bit in my thinking - or become complacent.
Ankle is healing - though not as quickly as I'd like. I was reading the instructions to my mobility aid lent to me by my doctor - it's sort of a little trolley on wheels that you kneel in with the bad leg and propel yourself with the good one. I was amused to read in the instructions: Don't use if intoxicated by alcohol or drugs. Well yeah I thought. It also instructed the user not to take it on to the main road -
Message 12
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Friday, 13th April 2012
Yes, I heard it as well. Horrific.
Superjan, you remind me that my ex-husband is coming up to his fifth sober anniversary - actually I was reminded the other day when a friend was talking to me about her daughter's plans for her 21st birthday which is just coming up and I recalled that it was the day before my daughter's 21st birthday that I rang her to tell her that her father had gone into the treatment centre. I knew intellectually back then what havoc was being created in my children's lives but it's now, looking back, that I sometimes really feel it - I think my sense of feeling back then had just been driven out.
Ankles are tricky things, I believe, and require great patient - I hope yours continues to make progress. As for jinxing things - it's only one more day, after all, in a one day at a time sort of fashion. -
Message 13
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Friday, 13th April 2012
I hadn't read you post, Bash, before I started a thread about that horrific attack.
"Poor, poor woman. Domestic violence can ruin lives."
Drink and drugs don't help, and they often seem to push things over the edge, but they Don't Create Tendencies That Aren't There Already, in my experience.
Drink or drugs can ruin your own life, but this man was dangerous, drunk or sober. -
Message 14
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 16th April 2012
My son treated OH and myself to a meal on Friday. He scoffed his. These are both achievements! He hasn't been able to eat much for years and years. He also received his 6 month sobriety diploma yesterday. Another achievement.
His main problem is that he has painful feet. Apparently this is a common effect of long-term alcohol abuse caused by damaged nerve endings. His stomach is still swollen, not sure howmuch is caused by gaining weight and how much caused by fluid. In another 6 months time he could have his HepC treated. He says the treatment is very unpleasant. He still needs new teeth!
My son is very happy in the dry house.
When OH and I were with him no-one noticed us as my son now looks clean and normal and behaves in a normal way!! -
Message 15
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 16th April 2012
..........that is JOY.........
I no longer have to pretend I am a film director making a film about addicts and the deprived! That pretence was often the only way I could distance myself from and survive what was going on. -
Message 16
Posted by BasiainBrooklyn (U505001) on Monday, 16th April 2012
Locki, that's great, very pleased for all of you and congratulations to your son.
Thought the gathered company on this thread would be interested to read this following bit of fluff -
I'm immediately suspicious because it's from LA, but found it to be untrue for me when I was drinking, partly/mostly/completely due to the fact that there was no such thing as one or two drinks.
I know someone who posted this on FB and I suspect they're using it to justify something... -
Message 17
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Monday, 16th April 2012
Locki, that is good news.
Basia, I daresay there might be something in it in a kaleidoscopic sort of way but, as you say, only any point if you can stop drinking as soon as you've had the creative idea and before you then go on to blot it out of the mind. -
Message 18
Posted by BasiainBrooklyn (U505001) on Tuesday, 17th April 2012
Alcohol advertising in the subway here really hacks me off. Defiance Brewing Company's tagline was 'The definition of defiance' or something similar. It's pathetic. The brand of beer you drink marks you as a defiant human? Hahahaha. And the defiance is against what again, someone remind me because I don't remember. Shame really because the brewer obviously has a passion for his art, special small scale brewery etc.
Here's another one for a brand of London gin, apparently, called Bulldog which is probably paint stripper made in Philadelphia :
'Mixes with everything, surrenders to nothing'
That's just as sad as the defiant beer. You drink this therefore you are Mr/Mrs Sociable/Life of the Party but woe betide anyone who tries to argue with you and by the way, it guarantees you'll win a fight.
I'm really glad I saw this last night as I'd just come from my second meeting in two weeks (an improvement on none in some months prior to that) and it's warm here and all the bars and restaurants have their doors flung open making drinking seem like a jolly nice thing to do, although I only have to think it through to stop that thought, not that I want to drink but that I am aware of the possibility of selective memory. Many in here will know what I'm talking about.
The topic was anger. Great topic, great shares, lots of good stuff about self righteous anger (something I obviously know nothing about, hahaha) and the weird thing is I came to the meeting despite having said I wouldn't be able to make it. I was invited again by the speaker, my client but I was scheduled to go to a wedding party instead.
The wedding took place at 1 in a pretty outdoor space and the subsequent party was going to be in a dodgy sounding bar's garden in appropriately-named Hell's Kitchen (Times Sq/the theatre district) and as I was working til 5 I knew I would be attending the tail-end of things. I showed up, despite not wanting to, because I like these people and one of them has been good to me, so I felt duty-bound. (Be able to show up for friends is still a reward of sobriety that I'm often reminded of, and glad of).
There was nothing non-alcoholic to drink at the wedding party, so I had to go to the bar for a Redbull. Then I sat with a 20 something relative of the bride, a model I know, who asked if I was ready to get funked (other spelling options avail) up, which was my cue to say I hadn't done that in years. Turns out her father was a heroin addict and she grew up in AA and she's either sober, as in not drinking at all, or passed out. Ah. She then went on to say there's nothing like going to AA to put you off drinking, and that she'd heard it all by the time she was 11, but judging from her initial offer to me, she's not heard enough.
I hated every second of it there, there was that stupid let's get whacky vibe where forced hilarity is documented in photos, painful to watch. There was also someone there I have a professional resentment against for the wrong they did to two of my dearest friends which added to my feeling of not wanting to be there but I managed to join in as best as I could for 45 mins.
I realised when I was at the bar that I'd been there before, years ago, no doubt completely blasted on something or other. It was full of old desperados that made me sad then and make me sad now, but back then I used to drink with them and think I was having profound conversations with them. Probably the same men sitting there nursing their beer and bourbon. Couldn't wait to get out. That was literally and figuratively a dark place I don't want to go back to. It's important for me as a recovering alchy to remember from time to time where I came from - it wasn't pretty.
So to walk out of that and text my client and ask where the meeting is and then find I was 2 blocks away was just what I needed. -
Message 19
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Tuesday, 17th April 2012
I like reading what you write, Bash.
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Message 20
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Sunday, 22nd April 2012
Last night I caught a wee bit of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest on tv. One line which struck me was where the Indian was telling about his alcoholic father and he said, 'Every time he put the bottle to his lips he wasn't sucking out of it, it was sucking out of him. Sucking out all the life and joy till he was grey and withered.' (Don't know if the quote is exact, but it's pretty close, certainly the first bit.)
I think that's a pretty good definition of alcoholic drinking. -
Message 21
Posted by Celebrian (U12324885) on Friday, 27th April 2012
Bookmarking this thread
x C -
Message 22
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Friday, 27th April 2012
Hello Celebrian - I hope things are well with you at the moment?
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Message 23
Posted by Death Where Is Thy Sting (U15017382) on Saturday, 28th April 2012
New Topic - the hotel I am currently staying in features a free beer with the meal. It's bought to the table unbidded and, I'm glad to say, it offered only minimal temptation. The restaurant are now wiser, but only after quizzing me in a curious way and wanting to know what could they offer in substitute. They are now resigned to the fact that water is my beverage of choice. But I remain a curiosity, albeit one that is now treated with kind respect.
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Message 24
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Monday, 30th April 2012
Sad. I've just heard that someone my husband knew at his treatment centre five years ago (well five years ago less a month) was recently found dead - he relapsed a couple of years ago. There have been several such instances over the years. On the other hand, he and a number of others he is still in contact with have been sober ever since. There are good news stories and bad news stories.
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Message 25
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Monday, 30th April 2012
>>> But I remain a curiosity, albeit one that is now treated with kind respect. <<<
you'd think that with an increasing muslim population restaurants would be getting used to the idea that not everyone drinks alcohol.
Sorry to hear about the sad relapse story Fee.
Here in Clogland it's the main drinking day of the year as the queen's birthday is celebrated with nationwide street markets. I was out running through the city at dawn whilst many of last night's revellers were stumbling home. Smug gits are us... -
Message 26
Posted by Celebrian (U12324885) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
Hi all, I'm hoping that the lack of posts means that everyone is having a good day! I'm mostly a lurker at the moment - nothing interesting to communicate - but I like to catch up with you all regularly. Still recovering from my mother's death in January, it's been a very hard few months and I miss talking to her every day.
xCelebrian -
Message 27
Posted by Celebrian (U12324885) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
P.S. Anyone starting up May thread?
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Message 28
Posted by Death Where Is Thy Sting (U15017382) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
>>> But I remain a curiosity, albeit one that is now treated with kind respect. <<<
you'd think that with an increasing muslim population restaurants would be getting used to the idea that not everyone drinks alcohol. Â
Just to explain that I was in a place where Muslims are not normally to be found. But point taken nonetheless.
My Bank screwed something up recently and offered to send me a case of 'rather nice wine' by way of compensation. After some negotiation they agreed to pay me cash compensation of £20. Rather boring post, I know. -
Message 29
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
snot boring - fascinating idea that banks think it's quite acceptable to literally ply their customers with drink. And I suspect that the 'rather nice wine' wasn't as nice as they were implying (or you've been had) - a case of wine is 12 bottles, for 20 quid??
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Message 30
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
My son is still happily on course. He was glowing this morning as he had done a third 'Share'.
My daughter is about to go on holiday to Portugal and has paid for herelf and her boyfriend with ALL her own earned money. She has been working weekends. Unbelievable just a few years ago.
Her fiance drinks within what most people would probably consider normal Scottish parameters! It does worry me but she does not join him.
Apologies to Scots.
My other son is to visit from America next week!! He's coming to see his Grandma who is 90 soon. -
Message 31
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
At the moment I don't have one drunk child! Heaven and bliss and not something I thought I would ever see.....
I had a horrible flashback last night as my son aked for his birth certificate. It took me back to the days when my daughter was getting into trouble and needing hers for one awful thing or another, and losing them. I supplied so many!
Actually, I can't find any of the certificates, including mine. I suspect my son has had his in the past and lost it. The things they lost would encircle the globe. I have had lots of housemoves, had 3 in 5 years so it may be my fault it's lost. A bit worrying as I need to renew my passport this year and I'm sure I will need it for that.
I have so much STUFF! -
Message 32
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
Celebrian, I'm sorry to hear about your mother. From time to time I worry (idiotically, for all sorts of reasons, I know) about how my ex-husband will react when his remaining parent, now pushing 90, dies - they have been very much his family framework for the last few years.
Blue Horizon, your bank sounds incompetent in all sorts of ways - I can understand individuals not realising the possible insensitivity of bestowing alcohol on people they don't know will welcome it but you'd think a large organisation would be a bit more clued up. I can recall being similarly irritated when Ocado included a free sample of some new gin with the grocery delivery a few years back - I don't think I got a response to my email pointing out that it wasn't sensible.
Locki, I hope you manage to lay your hands on your documents. Such good news about your family. Do you know, I realise reading your post that I've always heard in my head doing a share as doing a chair - I think perhaps I spend too much of my life in committee meetings.
Do we need a May thread? Anyone who feels we do is welcome to start one but I rather wonder if we are back to seasonal rather than monthly threads as we were some years ago when things were quieter. -
Message 33
Posted by BasiainBrooklyn (U505001) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
Just running in. Celeb, I'm really glad you didn't drink over your mother's death. I always thought the death of one of my cats in early sobriety would make me (see that terminology?) drink again, but it didn't. Contemplating the death of my mother is so painful to me, I can barely spend a moment there, but I try and practice AnAlnon principals over it.
Locki, glad all is well with your family.
Fee, sorry to hear about your ex's formerly sober colleague not making it.
Am in Seattle where there are 1,300 AA meetings a week. That is a huge amount given the city's size but it has a huge alcohol problem and has had for years so I'm looking forward to fitting in a meeting.
I do hope someone feels like opening up for May.
Bx -
Message 34
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
Is it the rain in Seattle?
The city my son lives in now appears to also have a huge alcohol problem. So many people at meetings.
Just as my two sobered up, my best friend's daughter's problem was revealed and is getting more problematic. My friend is now experiencing things I did for years. Her other daughter is angry with her as she thinks my friend 'should do something' Ha Ha! Actually, what my friend could do is for her and her husband to stop their nightly intake of wine but they don't see that as a problem. Same old story......!
I keep quoting the Al-Anon didn't cause can't cure... to my friend. She has been to one meeting. -
Message 35
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
>Her other daughter is angry with her as she thinks my friend 'should do something' <
Oh dear. It sounds as though the other daughter could do with Al Anon (or SmartRecovery, which I'm interested to see pops up as the first entry on google when you search for Al Anon). -
Message 36
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 2nd May 2012
The older sister was always very dismissive of my daughter's drinking. Just thought it was a character weakness that could be conquered.
Well, it seems she was right but she did not ever have any compassion.
Ironically she also drinks quite heavily. Perhaps she was/is afraid she might also cross the line..... The girls' father also liked a drink. You can see the whole family drinks in the way many do these days, but alcohol affects the one member, the younger sister, differently and she has taken a further step, although she is still a functioning alcoholic and gets up for work every day. However, I have seen her drunk and recognised her extreme reaction to it- a complete character change. It was just like hearing and seeing my own daughter. I didn't know whether to tell my friend this but a few months later my friend confided in me. -
Message 37
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
I'm not sure I'd describe it as a character weakness, Locki, just because it is something which your daughter was eventually able to deal with and get her life back on track - a surmountable challenge, perhaps.
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Message 38
Posted by mummyfoo (U9651297) on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
Hello to all on this thread. I was hoping for a bit of insight/advice/strategies in dealing with an ongoing problem.
My elderly mother, in her eighties, is a bit of a drinker. I have concerns that this is starting to affect too many areas of her life - her attitude to eating well being a primary concern - she's literally skin and bone these days.
She also had a fall at the beginning of 2012 and broke her wrist - which we are (that is, her children) convinced happened because she had drunk too much, though we can't be 100% sure.
At family get togethers (like Christmas) we have to give her non-alcholic wine, otherwise she can become a bit of a nightmare with hurtful comments and odd behaviour...
Has anyone else got any experience of an elderly relative lapsing into this sort of behaviour? What does one do in these circumstances?
She's not going to admit she has a problem, not at her age - and she can get quite unpleasant if her wine-drinking is either questioned or we attempt to curtail it in any way...
We all understand she is desperately lonely after losing our father a few years back, but we do our best to mitigate this by visiting her every weekend and including her in as much of our lives as we possibly can. Her drinking is becoming something that dominates her life and we want to try and help her if we can.
Thanks for any replies. -
Message 39
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
Hello, mummyfoo - not sure that I've anything useful to say and I certainly haven't experienced your situation myself although I know that it is an increasingly common one - but I thought any response might be better than none.
I think the >hurtful comments and odd behaviour...< and >can get quite unpleasant if her wine-drinking is either questioned or we attempt to curtail it in any way...< will resonate with many who post here. As will not entirely explained injuries.
These two statements rather jumped out of your post at me
>She's not going to admit she has a problem, not at her age<
and >Her drinking is becoming something that dominates her life and we want to try and help her if we can.<
because they seem to encapsulate where you are and indicate the difficulty of doing anything about it.
You don't necessarily need her to admit that she has a problem but unless she is unhappy about the part alcohol plays in her life then I don't think you can do a lot about it. I think you can make it clear to her that it is causing you a problem to see it causing her a problem and that you would like to do what you can to help - but it's up to her to decide to take that help.
Have you looked at the Al Anon and Smartrecovery sites? They may have something useful to say. I don't know where Giddykipper has got to - she would probably be helpful as well. -
Message 40
Posted by mummyfoo (U9651297) on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
Thank you Fee - much appreciated.
If we attempt to discuss her drinking habits with her it invariably leads to unpleasantness of some sort. Siblings are all aware of this (and have moslty been at the sharp end, one way or another over the years) and I just wonder if we should leave her to get on with it at times.
What we don't want is another, more serious injury or worse..
We have a signifcant family gathering this weekend and the thought of policing her throughout to keep her on the straight and narrow is not a happy one... -
Message 41
Posted by dranners12 (U15071796) on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
Springsunshine. Just read your post.
All the best of luck with your son who is now a recovering alcoholic.
You mention he has Hep C. i have been posting about this in Cancer Copers thread, sorry not good at links.
i have some news regarding Hep C. My OH is one of the first people in the country to be cured of the Hep C virus. His viral load is now undetectable but it has been 3 months of hell. That's the downside. Your son will need unbelievable strength and determination to see the treatment through. in our group of 3 patients selected for the treatment OH's has cleared, one of the group has dropped out and the other we don't know because of patient confidentiality.
i do hope your son can see it through and be relieved of liver disease etc which is the best you can hope for if the damned virus is not stopped.
Do drop into Cancer Copers as well, it can be quite uplifting. Everyone there is lovely and gave me great support when i was needing support myself. it's not just for sufferers. -
Message 42
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
>>>We have a signifcant family gathering this weekend and the thought of policing her throughout to keep her on the straight and narrow is not a happy one...<<<
oh horrors - just had a flashback to my brother's wedding when I was 10 and 'policing' my mother. Didn't help much of course... Sorry, not being much help here, just sympathising really. -
Message 43
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
>the thought of policing her throughout to keep her on the straight and narrow is not a happy one...<
If she is mobile, it's probably not even worth trying. I've tried that with someone half her age and someone who is determined to get a drink in a place where there is drink to be had (and even if there isn't) will get it. The Al Anon mantra is "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it". Constant policing is exhausting,frustrating, pointless and probably does you more harm than it does anyone any good.
It might be worth thinking about exactly why you are trying to keep her on the straight and narrow. If it is to save her from injury and embarrassment, that is really her affair. If it is to save you from embarrassment or from unpleasantness, then it might be more productive to think about how you cope with it without letting it spoil things for you.
>I just wonder if we should leave her to get on with it at times.<
Probably. Sorry. I may be being a bit of an Al Anon purist, though, and I noticed a link to this book on the Smartrecovery site (the title is something like getting a relative sober without nagging, pleading or threatening - it sounds as though some of it might be helpful - and looking at the extract it doesn't actually promise to get your relative sober but also talks about how to live with the drinking if it carries on).
(I've not looked to see if it's on the UK Amazon site) -
Message 44
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
>I've not looked to see if it's on the UK Amazon site<
I have now and it is (paperback and kindle, not that expensive)
The reviews are interesting - I do agree with the review which makes the point about the title not being a great one (it probably sells the book though, but for the wrong reasons). -
Message 45
Posted by BasiainBrooklyn (U505001) on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
Constant policing is exhausting,frustrating, pointless and probably does you more harm than it does anyone any goodÂ
Yes, that's right. As someone who was somewhat policed (I used to hide it and drink alone before meeting people and drink afterwards too) I know it did no good at all. I was so focused on getting my alcohol, that I risked the relationship I had and lost it eventually, amongst others.
I'm sorry to read about your mother MF, and I don't have anything really helpful to add but would like to reiterate what Fee has said about concentrating on finding ways of coping, and for having a structure in place for emergencies. Letting her know that you know she is drinking problematically, without using an accusatory tone, is a good place to start, and getting her to cooperate in setting up an emergency framework, whatever that might look like - a neighbour to look in on her, her having a cell phone on her person the whole time etc. It's really all you can do.
Sometimes hearing that people know you have a prob can be very liberating. Might not stop you, as it didn't me, but the debate is more honest and can encompass coping strategies for all concerned.
My mother who has been very supportive of my recovery, and who didn't know anything about my excessive drinking, locked the parish priest in his quarters when the bishop came up from London one time, so that he wouldn't try to take mass drunk. She and other members of the parish council managed to keep him away from the mass, but found him drunk on the roof of the Polish Club. They tried everything, as did the powers that be by sending him off to a drying out clinic for priests in Poland, and nothing worked. He eventually got moved to a smaller parish in disgrace (money issues and affairs with women were part of it) and died of alcohol-related health problems. I had several exchanges with him, and he could not understand how I got sober. Proof that having a God doesn't mean Richard if you don't want to stop.
Your mother has to want to stop, and I know you know that, but it's worth repeating.
I hope you avail yourself of AlAnon.
And that book's title is tragically misleading, unless it says pretty early on something to the effect of "Ha, fooled you, you can' get anyone else sober, but here's how you can take care of yourself and letting your loved one know you are there when they want to stop."
I'm at work and just want to register the sad sight of packs, and I mean packs, of homeless people who are all part of the needle exchange programme here. The sad bit is not that there's this prog, just that there are so many people with substance abuse probs here.
Take care Mummyfoo, and PLEASE can someone open up May? I'm doing August so not really my turn. -
Message 46
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
>And that book's title is tragically misleading, unless it says pretty early on something to the effect of "Ha, fooled you, you can' get anyone else sober, but here's how you can take care of yourself and letting your loved one know you are there when they want to stop."<
One of the reviews makes the good point that it can help you get someone sober for a while but won't help you keep them that way unless they really want to. The bit of chapter 1 that can be accessed on Amazon suggests that it does actually say something like that. The style of the bit I read grated rather (more actually than the Al Anon stuff ever does) and I didn't feel any urge to get the whole thing on my kindle (it's too easy, that) and read any more of it.
>My mother who has been very supportive of my recovery, and who didn't know anything about my excessive drinking, locked the parish priest in his quarters when the bishop came up from London one time, so that he wouldn't try to take mass drunk. She and other members of the parish council managed to keep him away from the mass, but found him drunk on the roof of the Polish Club.<
Good grief. You couldn't make it up. -
Message 47
Posted by superjan3 (U6523409) on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
It was only when I was caring for Dad in his last six months that I realised how much he was drinking. Eventually he became bed bound and it was so heart-wrenching hearing him beg for a drink. (This was the man who locked the drinks cabinet when I lived there previously). I refused as he was dehydrated enough already, but also because I was only a year sober then and if I'd got drink for him I would probably have had some myself.
I won't do May - but will do June - when I hope to reach 5 years without a drink (if someone will do the links and if nobody else has dibs on June)
Ankle healing well - I am like speedy gonzales with my orthopedic boot (ok - slight exaggeration, but I'm much more mobile)
Great news Locki - best wishes to you and your family.
J -
Message 48
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
I remember you posting about that superjan - very difficult. I'll happily do the links for you for June (you are my ex-husband's sobriety twin so it seems appropriate). Isn't five years a long time?
-
Message 49
Posted by superjan3 (U6523409) on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
Thanks Fee - yes 5 years is a long time, although sometimes it seems like yesterday. I still make mistakes - like the other day I said to my neighbour (a young chap with learning difficulties who has been getting bits of shopping for me) - "Thanks a lot, M - when I'm better I owe you a pint" It just came out without me thinking.
-
Message 50
Posted by Fee (U3534148) ** on Thursday, 3rd May 2012
Thanks Fee - yes 5 years is a long time, although sometimes it seems like yesterday. I still make mistakes - like the other day I said to my neighbour (a young chap with learning difficulties who has been getting bits of shopping for me) - "Thanks a lot, M - when I'm better I owe you a pint" It just came out without me thinking. If he doesn't have an issue with alcohol, though, I don't think it is a mistake (although I agree that it shows how much alcohol is embedded in the fabric of everyday life).
I suppose it feels like a long time to me because almost everything about my life has changed over the last five years.
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