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Bullying help requested
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Trillian (U14033122) on Saturday, 23rd June 2012
My apologies if this topic has come up before, but I'd like to pick the brains of parents and teachers on the subject of bullying. A friend's grand-daughter has been bullied persistently for the last year by a group of classmates, both physically and mentally, by means of text messages and posts on Facebook and Twitter. She hasn't been able to go to school for six months, has been unable to go out in her locality in case she meets one of this group, so the family now feel that they have to move away. Lately, it has got so bad that she has begun to self harm and she has been temporarily admitted to a psychiatric facility for her own safety. Did I mention that this girl is eleven? Without getting too deeply into the situation itself, does anyone know of any support groups for children who are victims of bullying? Things are pretty extreme at the moment, but when she comes home she will need to find a way to move forward with her life, and I think feeling she isn't alone would be a great help to her. It would also be a help to her despairing parents and grandparents to be able to give her some constructive help. Any insights from anyone with some experience would be much appreciated. Apologies for any spelling mistakes, butI'm posting from my phone. Thanks in advance
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Message 2
Posted by Shirley Knott (U14164156) on Saturday, 23rd June 2012
Oh Trillian this is awful. Heartbreaking.
Been there.
My daughter, too, was 11 when the bullying started. Thankfully it was before the days of facebook, and before the days when 11 year olds had mobile phones. I dread to think how much worse it would have been - but it was bad enough.
It can never be underestimated how bad this can be for a child. God, it makes me cry just reading your post.
My daughter is in her twenties now so I'm not sure I can offer any constructive advice re who to contact etc - I'm sure things have moved on.
But her confidence was shot - even her class teacher told me he thought she had 'brought it on herself' as she was too outgoing. I despaired.
It took therapy, and years of expensive theatre school to build her up again. Don't let this happen, Trillian.
I fought like a demon for my daughter but she ended up having to move schools while the bully remained in place with an army of 'outreach workers'.
The bully tried to set my daughter on fire. It is to my eternal regret that the head teacher talked me out of contacting the police - bear that in mind.
I hope this doesn't come across as too pessimistic, but I feel you should know what you and your friends are up against.
Much love - and sympathy - Shirl x -
Message 3
Posted by gigglemahanaz2 (U14257954) on Saturday, 23rd June 2012
Trillian...........I was bullied by a teacher in primary school and her little gang of favourites for nearly two years.
I had to have quite a bit of time out of school as I had health issues and was in and out of hospital for 18 months, was over weight and wore glasses (still do).
I was called, by the teacher, granny, thicko, braindead and much worse, her little gang of favorites continued it out side in the play ground and the teacher refused to teach me after my parents made a formal complaint about her.
It has, and i am now 43 and the mother of 6, clouded and coloured my whole life to the point where I still doubt myself and worry over things that are said to me, I was also bullied in my first job to the pioint where I walked out, I have also suffred from depression for years and have had issuse with alchol as well.
At the time (mid 70's) this problem was dismissed as over protective parents wrapping a child in cotton wool, but it's left it's mark...............I can still remember the feeling of utter helplessness and hopelessness of it..........I wished myself dead and if I'd had the courage I would have done it at the time......it was an escape and a way out.
Make sure that this poor girl gets into a new school asap and watch her like a hawk to make sure she's ok, if the family are able to move from the area even better, the futher away the better.
It makes me sick to think that this sort of nasty aggressive bullying is still going on 35 odd years later.
On a happier note the teacher left when I was in the 4th year of junoiors, I later heard that she'd been sacked from the job she went to at another school for the same thing again, the little clique of fav's went to the same secondary school as me but we were all in diffrent classes by this time and the bullies ended up the bullied..............the worst offender to me in primary school wanted to be friends with me, kept saying sorry and what have you........in the end I snaped one day at lunch and told her to get lost.....after what she and her cronies had done to me in primary school what made her think I'd be bothered with her and she deserved all she was getting.......I asked her how it made her feel?! Makes you feel bad I asked.........GOOD...........now you know how I felt and still feel now thanks to you.
It felt good to let her have a mouthful...........she left the school shortly after, last I heard was about 10 years ago and she was inside murder. -
Message 4
Posted by Glorybal-MUSTARDLAND FOREVER (U7278111) on Sunday, 24th June 2012
I don't have anything useful to add but don't want this to slip down too far.
You could try posting in the Bull. There is already a thread about some awful bully behaviour by some teens against an elderly bus monitor.
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Message 5
Posted by Lynetta Pavlova (U14864661) on Sunday, 24th June 2012
I've little (thank goodness) experience of bullying myself, but this organisation looks as if it might be helpful:
There's Childline too, and Kidscape:
Hope this helps. -
Message 6
Posted by LoopyLobes (U14384399) on Sunday, 24th June 2012
So sorry to hear about this. Bullying must be even more hellish these days because with the internet and mobile phones, there's really no escape.
I wish this young girl and her family all the very best. -
Message 7
Posted by Trillian (U14033122) on Sunday, 24th June 2012
Just grabbing the opportunity - before this dodgy wifi connection disappears to say thanks for the links. The bullying website looks interesting and I'll pass it on to my friend for when her granddaughter comes home.
I wonder what her tormentors will do now. Do they clock her up as a victory and look for a new victim? I would love to hear from someone who has experience of being a bully, or the parent or teacher of one. I understand why it starts, but why does it go on and on, until they've got so far inside someone's head that they believe they are worthless?
Anyway, thanks all -
Message 8
Posted by Taff Agent of kaos-solitary man (U9229223) on Tuesday, 26th June 2012
My apologies if this topic has come up before, but I'd like to pick the brains of parents and teachers on the subject of bullying. A friend's grand-daughter has been bullied persistently for the last year by a group of classmates, both physically and mentally, by means of text messages and posts on Facebook and Twitter. She hasn't been able to go to school for six months, has been unable to go out in her locality in case she meets one of this group, so the family now feel that they have to move away. Lately, it has got so bad that she has begun to self harm and she has been temporarily admitted to a psychiatric facility for her own safety. Did I mention that this girl is eleven? Without getting too deeply into the situation itself, does anyone know of any support groups for children who are victims of bullying? Things are pretty extreme at the moment, but when she comes home she will need to find a way to move forward with her life, and I think feeling she isn't alone would be a great help to her. It would also be a help to her despairing parents and grandparents to be able to give her some constructive help. Any insights from anyone with some experience would be much appreciated. Apologies for any spelling mistakes, butI'm posting from my phone. Thanks in advance Trillian
a few simple steps to start,
new phone limit who the number goes to
block the bullies on face book/ new account, ltd. friends
same on twitter
cyber bullies only have power if we allow them, close that door and they are no longer a problem
as to the Physical bullying, contact the police and the school -
Message 9
Posted by strawberrysunrise (U10452397) on Wednesday, 27th June 2012
please Trillan ,
go and put your post on here,
as there is tons of very relevant information available over there if you ask for links someone will provide them, lots of parents have had lots of experience of accessing the correct help,
ask for advice on how to get the school to provide the right support,
there is unfortunately quite a few people who have had lots of experience of these situations, it happens rather a lot, and schools do not seem to be able to deal with it,
a friend who was going through something similar last year spoke very highly of the guidance and support she received, on that site, lots from teachers and other professionals,
I don't think it is difficult to use, looks a little like here, I see they have smilies, so not the place for me. -
Message 10
Posted by Twin-Lions (U3870602) on Wednesday, 27th June 2012
My heart goes out to this little girl and her family.
School mediation can help as it involves the child in the solution which is empowering while safe. Might be worth investigating whether there is a service nearby ...
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Message 11
Posted by Trillian (U14033122) on Wednesday, 27th June 2012
Thanks again.
I'm collecting links for her grandparents and her mum. They're not currently thinking much beyond the immediate crisis, but this is all useful stuff. -
Message 12
Posted by the_shellgrottolady (U2395646) on Friday, 29th June 2012
Hi Trillion
Why don't you contact Facebook? I think there are age restrictions (although it doesn't seem like it ) so if you tell them that these kids are all 11 or thereabouts they should get knocked off. Keep an eye and just keep doing it if they try under another name.
Same for Twitter.
I was bullied at school - thank goodness pre the digital age. Once I got to 6th form I realised I was normal and not a victim. It was just one of those things - sometimes your face doesn't fit, you react in a way that makes you are target and so it continues.
Yes, it leaves its mark - confidence etc. But you can get over it and I hope this girl does. Best days of your life- people used to say....blimey I'd think , hope not.
She isn't alone and she isn't a victim. She is stuck with a group of thick d..heads , pearls before swine and all that.
Maybe she needs a new start. Maybe a summer activity or club or foreign holiday where she meets other kids who won't judge her on her reputation. That worked for me. A trip to Italy aged 13 boosted confidence no end.
Sea cadets, son liked that and they were a mixed group who stuck together and were kind to each other. I know that sounds wierd but they were very accepting and protective of their own. Well supervised too and bullying not any part of it.
cheers
Shell -
Message 13
Posted by the_shellgrottolady (U2395646) on Friday, 29th June 2012
PS trip to Italy - i mean a holiday with my parents btw...not some wild solitary adventure.
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Message 14
Posted by Dee (U3082905) on Friday, 29th June 2012
What a heartbreaking tale
At least her parents are taking it so seriously that they are consider moving. In my day ot was a "sticks & stones" you have to get on with it attitude (but there wasn't any physical violence and it wasn't half as bad as this poor child is suffering).
Would this "beat bullying " organisation be of any help?
I must add though that an 11 year old should not have a Facebook account (it's for the over 13s). -
Message 15
Posted by Jane (U1484860) on Friday, 29th June 2012
I am appalled by this.
Schools are obliged to report incidents of bullying and should take it extremely seriously. The parent should makea complaint in writing to the school and the local authority. they should also ask the school for copies of its report to the authority, its anti-bullying policy and details of what they have done for the child.
I feel so angry on behalf of this child that a group of tormentors have pushed her this far and that her family feel they have to move.
Bullying is nasty and girls are particularly good at it, sadly.
I hope she manages to move on and recover from what sounds like a orrific period in her (young) life. -
Message 16
Posted by Gayer-Anderson Cat (U13637930) on Sunday, 1st July 2012
Awful experience for the poor girl.
Find out who the Parent Governors are, and speak to them about it, or write. The school will be obliged to ensure they get your letter. But make it formal, not just a "quiet chat."
Find out who is head of pastoral care for the school, and also who is the pastoral care teacher for her year group, and make an appointment to speak to them.
Take along a log of your daughter's* experiences too, to any/every appointment. This /must/ not be allowed to continue. You need to ensure that the bullies don't get away with saying, "We didn't mean to upset anyone, we were only teasing, it was just a bit of fun." They know d*mn well what they are doing, and they need to learn the error of their ways, otherwise they will be bullies all their lives.
I hope you get this sorted out sooner rather than later, for everyone's sake, particularly for the child involved.
G-AC
* Sorry, on re-reading my post I can't remember if the girl is your daughter, but anyway, I hope it can be stopped. -
Message 17
Posted by Trillian (U14033122) on Saturday, 7th July 2012
Just an update, for anyone who's interested. Apparently the headmistress of the school has been sacked. I think there's a catalogue of reasons, but apparently her failure to control this particular situation - and others like it - was one of them.
I've passed on all the links to the child's grandparents now and they will look at them all. They hadn't considered the internet as a source of support or information as, although not old, they aren't particularly computer savvy, so this has been a helpful exercise for them,
Thanks for all the information. -
Message 18
Posted by Twin-Lions (U3870602) on Sunday, 8th July 2012
Thanks for update, Trillian - I hope the child and her family are encouraged by these developments and that help is procured for her.
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Message 19
Posted by Mysterious (U14144861) on Friday, 31st August 2012
Thanks again.
I'm collecting links for her grandparents and her mum. They're not currently thinking much beyond the immediate crisis, but this is all useful stuff. New term is on the verge of starting and I don't doubt that some child somewhere, right now, will be in panic mode and wondering what to do first. I believe bullies have major problems and the parents of bullies have a case to answer. They will know what their child is capable of as will the schools. Make a song and dance about the bullies, they like hiding places and quiet corners so they need to be out in the open so everybody knows about them. No innocent child should be afraid and the grown-ups have to grasp the nettle and start banging the drum. Who said 'for evil to survive all it takes is for good men to do nothing'.I'm a mum of three and a grandmother of three and I found the original post hearbreaking. -
Message 20
Posted by Shirley Knott (U14164156) on Friday, 31st August 2012
I found it heartbreaking, too, libranmeg - it stirred up some not so pleasant memories.
I also agree that the parents of bullies have a lot to answer for - especially at this young age. But in my experience, the 'system' goes into over-drive for them, whilst the victims and their parents are left to find their own support.
When I went to see the head about my daughter's situation (after waiting weeks for her to agree to a meeting) she spent most of the time talking about what a hassle she was having with her own daughter, who had been accuse of bullying! That was really not what I wanted to hear! She talked me out of going to the police, to my regret, as it's what I should have done. I found out later the bully had set another pupil on fire only a few months before.
In the end, face with a brick wall, I moved my daughter to another school, and spent a fortune on expensive theatre schooling on top, in an effort to rebuild her confidence.
It's shocking that this still goes on and is still treated so casually.
I hope the young girl in the OP is going back to school feeling happy and confident, with some new friends.
Shirl x -
Message 21
Posted by poppy (U2220656) on Friday, 31st August 2012
If it's a state school, you can contact Ofsted, either through Parent View or through their complaints system:
If it's an independent school, you can contact the Independent Schools Inspectorate or Ofsted (depending on which body inspects it) -
Message 22
Posted by Trillian (U14033122) on Friday, 31st August 2012
I hope the young girl in the OP is going back to school feeling happy and confident, with some new friendsÂ
That's not going to happen any time soon, unfortunately. At the moment, she is still in the psychiatric establishment, and is reluctant to leave even to visit home because she says she feels safe there. Her parents are still trying to find options for her schooling.
It's moved on to a whole other level now, with questions now being asked about whether the child is exploiting her situation and manipulating her carers etc.
Sounds to me like she's doing everything she can to ensure she isn't booted back into the system. In her position, I'd probably be doing the same. -
Message 23
Posted by gigglemahanaz2 (U14257954) on Saturday, 1st September 2012
Trillian I know this is maybe a stupid question but have the girls parents considered home schooling? Is that an option for them?
I know how this poor girl feels as I was bullied at primary school for just over a year by one of the teachers and her favorities, my parents fought tooth and nail to get it sorted (it was in the end) but mud sticks and this teacher refused to teach me for the reast of the time I was in her class and the favorites kept up the bullying.
Luckly two girls in the class took a stand againest the bullies and befreinded me.......for which I will always be greatful......and it slowly stoped and i was left alone.
The effects of the bullying however still remain some 35 years later, it seems that even now in our supposedly enlightened times bullying either in school or at work are STILL not taken seriously.
I don't feel this young lady is pulling a fast one to be honset..........she's probley still feeling scared and lonely (despite her parents efforts to sort the situation out) and worried the bullies will find her and carry on what was started at school!
For me the bullies became the bullied in secondary school.......I aways remember one of my tormentors crying about what was happening to her and my response was Well now you know how I felt and you know what you put me through, don't expect help or sympathy from me!
Hope it all works out one way or the other for all concerned! -
Message 24
Posted by Taff Agent of kaos-solitary man (U9229223) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012
BUMP!!!!
any update on this???? -
Message 25
Posted by Adaptery (with brackets) (U13803003) on Thursday, 4th October 2012
Dear Trillian - my heart goes out to these poor people. I have read the thread. Would the grandparents of this girl consider paying for horse riding? There does appear to be 'horse riding therapy' around for people with emotional problems as well as disabled people. Maybe the people helping her will know of it. It does seem something that appeals to 11 year old girls.
It is a good way of building confidence, over time, without the complication of people. It has been good for a girl I know who has communication problems and had a lot of trouble fitting in at school and was treated badly by her classmates (and primary teacher). She is now training to be a vetinary nurse. -
Message 26
Posted by Trillian (U14033122) on Thursday, 11th October 2012
Things have, as they always do, moved on. They're now into totally different territory and are feeling even more helpless than before.
The girl was discharged from the psychiatric facility at the end of August, with a view to returning to some form of schooling. There followed two weeks of her threatening to harm herself and swallow overdoses, which went on until after the new school year began (without her), then there was a sudden recovery.
However, she was then visited by social workers to discuss how her education was going to proceed, after which she took an overdose - not enough to actually do herself much harm, and she told her mother immediately - so now she's been admitted to a secure unit, (which includes schooling).
The hard-hearted part of me is now thinking that the child has learned how to wind her family round her little finger. Another factor in all of this is that her parents recently separated and the house in which she lives in the town into which she's afraid to venture, is the one bought for her mother by her estranged father. I can't help wondering if a lot of this behaviour is an attempt to get her parents back together.
Lord knows how they start to sort this one out, but it's probably not going to be by indulging the girl's every whim, which is what's happening at the moment.
Once again - I throw it open to the wisdom of ML, just in case there's anyone with some relevant experience out there. -
Message 27
Posted by Dunlurkin NL (U2675855) on Thursday, 11th October 2012
Oh dear, Trillian.
Whichever way you look at it she sounds like a deeply disturbed little girl.
I imagine the indulging is at least partly because of the guilt the parents are feeling at separating and "destroying her safe world". (That is not meant to be criticism of the parents in any way.)
I suppose the only positive thing is that she has not yet embarked on GCSE (or EBacc??) courses, so is not yet in danger of messing up there and affecting her future studies/career. Small comfort though.
The whole thing sounds like a mess and all the parties involved will be needing professional help to get things back on track.
I hope they can find the right people to give them the help they need very soon.
Dunlurkin
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