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Food Addiction
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Monday, 1st October 2012
Having just discussed the problem at length with a close friend, I thought of asking for views/advice in TVH.
Her husband is morbidly obese. He's 45, has a job which involves a great deal of travelling, long hours and has to snatch food when he can. He takes absolutely no exercise, apart from a stroll to the shops occasionally.
He has tried and tried to eat healthily, but still has mad binges when they have lunches/dinners at their house, which is often, as we are a sociable group of friends. He eats way beyond the "full" level, and eats so quickly, he doesn't give his stomach chance to know when its full.
Now, his childhood involved a lot of deliberate withholding of food by his stepmother, he and his little brother were forced to eat dog biscuits at one time, and his father, an alcoholic did nothing to help. You can understand how food equates security, but this man is a walking heart attack, or stroke, or death.
He makes excuses not to get his blood pressure properly checked, but continues with the medication given over a year ago. As I said the GP was not helpful, praised him for giving up smoking, but suggested online Weight Watchers!
He needs real help, such as hypnotherapy, or some kind of counselling. I don't know anything about it, apart from friends who had hypnotherapy and haven't smoked for 30 years.
I know my poor friend is desperate, she has tried everything to help him, but we acknowledged today that his addiction is as great as drug or drink, maybe more, as he *has* to eat. She knows her marriage is at risk, but told me the pressure is making her ill with worry.
I'd be kind of relieved to hear if anyone else has dealt with this, as we feel a bit alone at the moment, as she doesn't want to discuss it with any other friends or family, but of course they all know he has the problem. -
Message 2
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Monday, 1st October 2012
I don't think I've got any useful experience to share Lilo but I thought I'd bump this to see if it would catch the eye of anyone who does have.
I think that addictions often repeat over generations but not in the same form - alcoholism in one generation, eating disorders or workaholism in another. Probably the usual comments about any other sort of addiction apply - he really has to want to do something about it (not just to want to want to do something about it) and he has to see doing something about it as possible. And there's only a limited amount that your friend can do to influence the outcome - but she needs to look after herself. I don't know what sort of support there is for someone in her position - if her husband were an alcoholic I'd be suggesting Al Anon (and actually she probably just about qualifies as she is probably being affected by her husband being the child of an alcoholic) but it is developing that sort of mindset which might help to support her. -
Message 3
Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Monday, 1st October 2012
Eatingless dot com
Gillian Riley's approach to overcomming overeating. I think its the best there is, you can do a workshop, or one to one on the phone or via email.
Hope they get some helg, F. xx -
Message 4
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Tuesday, 2nd October 2012
Thank you for your replies Fee and Finally. I'll show my friend the website and suggestions.
The awful thing is last weekend we were all discussing another friend who is a young man, an alcoholic, who got married recently. There we all were sympathising with his new wife, wondering how on earth she could be "taking him on" knowing what it's going to be like, and realisation hit that food addiction is just as bad. It's causing just as much worry, embarassment, bewilderment, as alcohol or drugs. As a group of friends of varying ages, we have experience in both of those, but no one has encountered the food addiction. Overeating is one thing, but this is something else.
As Fee may remember I had problems with Mr Lilo Second and the drinking, for years and years of our marriage, and I feel so hardened when I see someone else going through that feeling of "second best" with another substance.
Anyway, thank you again. -
Message 5
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Tuesday, 2nd October 2012
Hi Lilo - yes, it's all of a muchness, isn't it - the substance takes precedence over all other considerations. The only difference is that food is less obviously immediately mind-altering than alcohol or drugs.
>I feel so hardened when I see someone else going through that feeling of "second best" with another substance<
I'm not sure what you are saying there? At first it read as though you felt unconcerned but that's clearly not the case - perhaps that you feel unsympathetic to the substance abuser and more concerned about the family member? . -
Message 6
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Tuesday, 2nd October 2012
Yes Fee, that's exactly what I meant. I'm still very fond of the guy, he's a lovely man, but it's his wife who has my sympathy and support. Until he does something positive, something other than stupid crash diets, or fasting etc and gets some professional help to get inside his head, then she has my support.
I know I sound hard, I know I do, but I see the wreckage around me, friends and acquaintances drinking too much, eating too much (now) and their families are the ones who are suffering.
I know you're a very sensitive woman Fee, and along with lots of other people, I "drink in" your help and advice, but sometimes, I know how I feel, and nothing will budge me! -
Message 7
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Tuesday, 2nd October 2012
>Until he does something positive, something other than stupid crash diets, or fasting etc and gets some professional help to get inside his head, then she has my support.<
That's exactly how I would response. Until he wants to do something about nothing is going to happen. She can deal with her own life but can't control his - my view these days is that you can make sure that the substance abuser knows about sources of help and knows that you care (and there's no point in shouting and getting cross and so on) - but then you just have to get on with living your own life - it's the only one you've got.
(Thanks for your kind words, by the way - not sure I recognise myself in them - and I think you are probably attributing to me views which I don't have about situations like this). -
Message 8
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Tuesday, 2nd October 2012
Actually, Lilo, your use of the word "hardened" did strike a chord in my mind and I've just realised what it was - not all that long ago I was at an Al Anon meeting and someone there (with an alcoholic husband in longstanding recovery) said that her husband had said that the problem with Al Anon was that it made everyone so hard (she was refusing to get worked up about or intervene in something that their grown up children were doing which he didn't approve of).
I don't think it's hard - it's just a realistic understanding of what we can actually change and a refusal to get worked up about what we can't. -
Message 9
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Tuesday, 2nd October 2012
During my runs I listen to podcasts for and about other runners. Now and then a story comes along about someone who has been hugely overweight and has lost a tremendous amount by taking up running. From not being able to take more than 10 steps they've slowly progressed to running longer and longer distances as the weight has come off. I always find these stories inspiring. Lives change. It's not just about the weight, it's about new ways of being.
Diets don't work. The only way to lose weight healthily is to move more. The heavier you are the more calories your body has to burn to move so weightloss can be faster than you'd expect. But of course he has to want to do something about it himself. Maybe a book with such stories might help to motivate him - seeing that others as large as him have succeeded. Hearing their histories.
I do realise that eating addictions are different from others in that abstinence isn't an option. But abstinence from 'bad eating' is maybe possible. -
Message 10
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Tuesday, 16th October 2012
Following up...
Friend's husband has taken the first step. He had a first consultation with a hypnotherapist, and has a long session this week, the first of three. More if necessary.
He really liked her, felt she got inside his head, went straight to the heart of the problem which is related to his childhood, told him diets are useless (nod to Clogs) and talked through the decision that he must make, that he has to set a target, never say he's "trying" to lose weight, that he has to change his relationship with food, that it's not food that's providing the support he thinks it is. He said he felt more positive about the future than ever before, and he's lost weight already!!
Very similar to someone I knew who had hypnotherapy to give up smoking. 30 years later, and two others who went, none of them have ever smoked again.
You have to want to do it or it won't work.
I'm hoping it's going to work, because he seems so much happier and consequently, so is his wife. I'll let you know. -
Message 11
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Tuesday, 16th October 2012
That's very good news, Lilo - I hope it continues to work for him.
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Message 12
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
Sounds good.
As I was reading through, I was thinking, I know which link I'll put. It may be irrelevant for your friend now, but if anyone else is reading, could be useful for them -
If you use the find a therapist link on , you can specify which sort of therapy you're looking for, which includes eating issues. It's one of the things my counsellor specialises in, alongside grief and family relationships.
I think the particular difficulty with food problems is you do have to eat. With alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gambling, you can go for total abstinence, but you can't do that with food - though you could go for total abstinence on particular foods. -
Message 13
Posted by noracarrot (U5351350) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
So, yes you can then Bearhug .
I' m zero dripping wet and I get pig sick of people telling me what I should be eating . I'll eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it . My OH is six foot five and over twenty stone .....he eats like food was going out of fashion , I ,like Lilo ,find it most odd and also OH has strange muching habits , like someone is always is going to nick all food out of his hands .
OH had an MI at 38 .There's not a day where I do not wake up and I think it may happen again .
No point in comfronting anyone ,Lilo . Just be a freind and a shoulder pillow -
Message 14
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
>I' m zero dripping wet<
I expect I'm being dim or ignorant but I don't know what that means?
I'm assuming that MI is something to do with the heart? That must be very difficult. -
Message 15
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
I'll join you on the dim bench Fee. Zero wet would seem to mean dry, but what the relevance is in the context is well beyond me. As is the MI.
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Message 16
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
>As is the MI<
Something like mycardial infaction, I think - from vague memory and the context - heart attack type thing, anyway, in which poor diet might be implicated. -
Message 17
Posted by LooseWheel (U2499574) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
I can't give any advice Lilo, but your friend's husband sounds a lot like my brother, or at least how he used to be. He got so big, he was almost 30 stone and nothing mum or I said to him made any difference - believe me, we tried every approach, from pleading, cajoling, nagging, emotional blackmail - the works. Then a few years ago he was diagnosed with diabetes and had to test his blood every day and radically change his eating habits - he was about 49 I think. I don't know what the doctor said to him but it must have put the wind up him good and proper - at this point he could barely walk five yards and just drove everywhere - I suggested that he could start going for a walk every evening after dinner, gradually increasing the distance every day. At first, he could just about manage to walk 50 yards or so, but as the weight started to come off, he was able to increase his speed and distance until he was (and still is) walking several miles a day - in 8 months he'd lost half his body weight, which he's maintained ever since, despite having a dodgy hip which makes walking painful - his next goal is to lose a couple more stone so that he can have a hip op - he no longer has to take any diabetes medication.
As you can probably tell, we are immensely proud of him and he succeeded because of his stubborn nature, and refusal to give in once he'd embarked on the healthy eating programme - but this bloody mindedness was the very thing that stopped him taking advice from us - it was only the scary diagnosis from the doctor that had any effect. Has your friend's husband been to a doctor? Acksherly, come to think of it, my brother went to the doctor quite regularly with various aches and pains (no doubt due to his weight) and I expect the doctor told him his problems were weight related, to no avail until something was actually wrong with him.
I hope your friend's husband is able to find a way to address his problems and lose the weight, it must be very uncomfortable for him (and embarrassing too, though he may not admit that). One thing I would say though, is that even if he loses the weight, he will be left with excess flesh (something they never seem to mention when stories of huge weightloss are published in the press) which can cause irritation, so if he does start exercising, I'd advise he also does core exercises in addition to anything else such as walking/running.
LW x -
Message 18
Posted by geepers (U6804393) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
Nora says she weighs nothing even when wet, and is irritated at being told to eat more. Her OH, on the other hand, is overweight, eats too much and eats in a strange way, and, given that he's already had one myocardial infarction (heart attack) she is constantly concerned that he'll have another. Further, she suggests that, in the kind of situation Lilo has raised, there is nothing to be gained from confronting the eater, but that being there to listen is pretty much all that can be done.
All seems quite relevant to me. -
Message 19
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Wednesday, 17th October 2012
I don't think anyone said it wasn't relevant, just that we weren't sure what she meant in the first bit.
I can certainly understand being irritated - both my children and my parents are convinced since I've been living by myself that I can't possibly be eating properly - it's very tedious (and not true). -
Message 20
Posted by La Bez (U14670366) on Thursday, 18th October 2012
>As is the MI<
Something like mycardial infaction, I think - from vague memory and the context - heart attack type thing, anyway, in which poor diet might be implicated. Correct
MI = Myocardial Infaction = medical speak for heart attack
Infarction means damage or death, in this case to cells or tissue of the muscle of the heart which is called the myocardium.
No real help here on the eating issue. I do know several people with eating disorders - of which food addiction and overeating are one. There is a 12 step group - Overeaters Anonymous - which many of them have found useful. I'm not sure if it exists in the UK though - also my observations tell me that it is pretty much entirely populated by women, here anyway, and so I guess many men might find that puts them off using it as a resource.
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