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Otherwise: Anxiety

• Message 1. 

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Tuesday, 2nd October 2012

  My father, (86) has recently recovered from a chest infection, his first illness since he broke a leg falling off a motorbike aged 18. Doctors have confirmed that the infection has cleared but he continues to struggle to breath and is constantly in a highly anxious state. He spends much of the day and night sitting infront of an open window, in order to warn off panic attachs, which start with the inability to breath.
  
  He isnt sleeping, and feels that he is unable to deal with emails or any banking etc stuff. Assessments are underway, much mobility equipment has suddenly appeared including a stair lift. Doctor visited yesterday and arrange an appointment with a specialist in two weeks, neither mother nor father seem to know what sort of specialist is involved.
  
  Fortunately they have some family around to support, but the anxiousness is so unlike him, that we, well, me, im struggling to think how to deal with him. Any suggestions, or pointers to resources, very welcome. I can see suggestions to pull oneself together (formerly, his usual suggestion) are unhelpful, but how does ine best dealt with someone so anxious.
  
  Thanks in advance, F. xx

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  We're all familiar with the phrase 'making mountains out of molehills' and it tends to feel a bit insulting when people say we're doing that, but as someone who can get very anxious with an elderly fatherh who gets very anxious, I'd say often it is just that and if you can say or do things that shrink the mountains back down to molehills, it helps.
  
  Positive affirmations about how his breathing is better, reassurance that he's going to see a specialist, emotional support (subtly expressed if he's the stiff-upper-lip type) and practical help/suggestions re sleep may help.
  
  I find with my father, oblique works best, so for me it would be the casual mention of how good it is to see his chest better than it was, of how relieved I am that things have improved so much, of how good it will be to see the doctor to confirm the improvement because chest problems are always so dreadfully scary, of his being tired at the moment, which must make it hard to feel relaxed. But never, ever saying he's overreacting.

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Retired-Rural-Person (U8479978) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Phone his doctor and explain the situation as you hear it/see it, not as a possibly-down-playing-father may express it. The doctor may not feel able to discuss the situation with you, but you can express your/your father's concerns. I would wonder if his anxiety is from a physical discomfort that is hard to describe. Good to reassure him that he will be checked out "soon" but 2 weeks is a long time to wait if you are feeling breathless.
  One practical thing to ask is have they been able to check his oxygen levels with a finger oxygen saturation monitor.
  Most but not all GPs would have these now. If not, would they suggest getting it checked via A&E?

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 3.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Thank you very kindly for your replies.
  
  Sunny, those examples of how to word oblique reassurances are really very helpful, thank you very very much. Ive got those, and i can now start to think of some others in the same vein. So far i have tended just to freeze, i can see that isn't right, nor is disagreeing, so thank you very, very much for your help and reassurance.
  
  Retired-rural-person, thank you, too. We have medics in the familiy who have double checked all his results and can thinkof nothing else. He has been on the round of xrays, blow tests and blooods, several of them more than once. The doctors have recently started talking more about the anxiety. We have a slot to talk to his gp tomorrow so we can understand what sort of specialist is now proposed. He still asks to be taken to hospital at some point most days, but can usually be talked down so that he is fine again on 30 mins or so, we are now focusing on managing the anxiety. I now have some notes on how to breathe and check that you are breathing deeping by placing hands on abdoman and chest.
  
  Its all so puzzling, after a lifetime of encouraging us to go for a walk in the fresh air rather than call a doctor for most ailments, to have him asking to be taken to hospital, which is never very comfortable at the best of times, over and over again is so, well! unexpected. Sunny's suggestions for oblique reassurance give me hope that i cam find something helpful to say. Many thanks all, F.
  
  

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by 2pa (U15424935) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  
  This'll probably be deleted, like anything that doesn't toe the line, but was the chest infection treated with a (fluoro)quinolone antibiotic? Because what you describe does sound like the (very rare, rare or quite common, depending who's talking) adverse effects of that group of meds. I hope it isn't that, but it's worth mentioning. There's a lot about them on the internet - I'll find the best links if you do need to know - and court cases, questions in parliament and so on in some countries, but I think hardly anything in the U.K. There was an article in The Ecologist.. but it might not be relevant to your father, anyway - I just thought I'd say, in case.

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• Message 6

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  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Well, its the power of mustand, thanks for pointing out another path to check out. Research is what im good at, dealing with anxious parent, not so much. Good to have leads to follow up, and lets hope its just to rule it out. F.

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• Message 7

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  Posted by 2pa (U15424935) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  ..lets hope its just to rule it out. F.  
  Thanks. Yes, let's and good wishes to your father.

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 6.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Have you thought ahead about what you'll say if the specialist spots something untoward? Someone will go with him and make sure the right questions are asked if he gets panicky, even if he tries to stop them going, won't they? I find with my father that it usually works if I say that I'll go with him to the hospital... then that I'll just wait with him... then that he can lean on my arm to get to the room.... then that I'll just come in with him and stay up the corner and give him any help he needs to take his jacket off/hold his things for him while he takes his jacket off...then would he like me to make a note of anything we need to remember after he gets home...
  
  (It doesn't always work with Dad. The last time he went to see his GP, he wouldn't let me come in with him, so while he was shuffling across the waiting room to where his GP was holding the door open, I was doing a pantomime to show the GP which parts of Dad's body he needed to look at.)

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Thanks, Sunny, love the idea of a pantomine
  
  So far, he has been fine about someone coming with him. The challenge appears to be, to find someone who is prepared to ask questions to make sure they understand...and can explain to the rest of us afterwards.
  
  We also have an alternative route into some of the people involved, but are very keen not to overuse that route...
  
  Many thanks, I really appreciate hearing from you all, F.

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• Message 10

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  Posted by Pahnda (U14681704) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Just another thought, but maybe some simple breathing excercises might help, the type that are done in basic yoga. They not also help to expand the lungs but also aid relaxation. I'm not sure about how you would introduce this to him though!
  
  May be worth checking whether your local health services include a respiratory nurse specialist. They are wonderful if you can manage to track one down.

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 10.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Thanks, Pahnda, I picked up some simple exercies i do myself, concentrating on breathing out. I also found, thanks to Dr Google, an explanation of how to use your ahnds to check what part of the lungs/abdomen are moving. Thanks, F.

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• Message 12

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  Posted by mistle_thrush (U3279940) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Hi Finally, sorry to hear about this, sounds a difficult time for you all. Glad to hear all the medical avenues are being explored.
  
  Just wanted to add that the feeling of being unable to breathe is widely recognised to be extremely scary. I have seen patients who have coped with all sorts of pain really, really struggle with breathlessness. So - it's not just your dad, and there's a very good reason why he might be anxious.. Not that that makes it any easier for you to deal with!
  
  Pahnda, I think that is a great idea about the respiratory nurse specialist. Do hope you find one is available to you Finally.
  
  Best wishes
  m_t

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• Message 13

  , in reply to message 12.

  Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Wednesday, 3rd October 2012

  Finally - I was going to say something similar to mistle about the scariness of not being able to breathe.
  
  Also, it is possible to 'lose confidence in being well' and maybe this is what has happened?
  
  I hope that the situation improves soon for him and those of you supporting him.

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• Message 14

  , in reply to message 13.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  Thank you very much for your help and insights, especially the scariness of breathlessness and breathing exercises.
  
  We now have a posthumous diagnosis of Lewy Bodies Disease, which i'm learning overlaps with, but is distinct from, Altzheimers and Parkinsons. We are taking comfort that he really wasn't himself those last few, so demanding months, that iit was a mercy that it was only three and a half months from first symptoms to the end and that he was very ready to go, wanting to spare us, his family, to the end. F. xx

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• Message 15

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  Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  I am very sorry for your loss, Finally. What a brave man your father must have been for those last few months. With the distance and perspective of time, I hope that you will be able to do as he wished, and remember him as he was for most of his life - strong, capable and in charge.
  
  My condolences to you and your family.
  
  x Lili
  
  

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• Message 16

  , in reply to message 14.

  Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  My condolences to you and your family as well, Finally.
  
  In time, your memories of all the years of your father as he really was will dispel the memories of the last difficult few months.
  
  C-B x

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• Message 17

  , in reply to message 16.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  Thank you Lili, thank yo C-B

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• Message 18

  , in reply to message 17.

  Posted by Retired-Rural-Person (U8479978) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  Thank you for coming back to tell us about him, Finally. My sympathies for what must have been a very difficult time for you all. A help to know why he had found it all so hardto deal with perhaps.

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• Message 19

  , in reply to message 18.

  Posted by mistle_thrush (U3279940) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  Yes exactly RRP, lovely post.
  
  Very best wishes to you and your family, Finally.
  
  m_t

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• Message 20

  , in reply to message 19.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  Yes, indeed, RRP, thats i exactly, thanks too M_T

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• Message 21

  , in reply to message 14.

  Posted by 2pa (U15424935) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  I'd been wondering. I'm sorry for your loss and glad that it was a relatively shorrt illness and that he seems to have made such a very good thing of his life and his family.

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• Message 22

  , in reply to message 21.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Thursday, 15th November 2012

  Thank you, 2pa. We are drafting the order of service right now, when im emailing it out review and haveing a quick look at ML meanwhile.

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