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Bollywood heads into the ER ward in Dil Ne Jise Apna Kahaa, an unlikely blend of Hindi melodrama, surgical gowns and heart transplants. It's the wearisome tale of a young Indian couple - ad agency copywriter Rishabh (Salman Khan) and his doctor wife Pari (Preity Zinta) - whose happily ever after lives are ripped apart after a motorway pile-up leaves Rishabh a widower. But what Rishabh doesn't know is that his late wife's heart has been donated to Dhani (Bhumika Chawla), a woman who's about to fall head over heels in love with him.

Bollywood has always been fascinated by grand emotions, but it's hardly suited to coping with the tragic outcome of this storyline's trajectory: muscular hero Khan simply weeps and wails and generally mopes around with a dopey expression on his face for a couple of hours.

"A MOVIE LACKING HEART, SOUL AND A BRAIN"

In other hands, this slightly spooky set-up might have made a half decent horror picture. Debut writer-director Atul Agnihotri turns it into nothing more than Bollywood business as usual, as the bereavement and love are spiced up with the odd song and dance number, an embarrassing gay stereotype, and some risible philosophising about the nature of love: "The doors to the heart don't open and shut when they want to." Genius.

Skimping on the genre's usual glitz and glam - this is a bereavement drama after all - Dil Ne Jise Apna Kahaa crawls towards its blindingly obvious conclusion with all the enthusiasm of a flatlining patient. Aside from the rather surprising attempt to blend Christian faith with ideas about the reincarnation of souls, there's nothing here to disprove accusations that Bollywood's increasingly stale output is in desperate need of rejuvenation. This is a movie that's already undergone a triple bypass operation, since it's lacking a heart, a soul, and a brain.

In Hindi with English subtitles.