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Nikki Grahame
Full Interview

MAT But right here beside me right now is Nikki Grahame of Big Brother fame. Welcome to our den of disability Nikki.
NIKKI Thank you.
LIZ Nikki Grahame provoked strong reactions inside and outside the house when she first burst onto our screens as a contestant on Big Brother 2006. Her strops were legendary. And some of her favourite phrases are still being used in conversation today.
MAT But it was only post eviction and after Nikki's fame continued to grow that she revealed her link to the world of disability.
LIZ Nikki's been living with an eating disorder since the age of eight and her book Dying to be Thin has just been released in paperback and she's here to tell us about it. So an eating disorder since the age of eight.
NIKKI I know we're going back like 20 years now back then it wasn't very common at all and people really didn't know how to deal with it.
MATNIKKI No.
MAT I mean maybe with some sort of famous adult type people but not with children.
NIKKI Yeah I mean at the time the only people that I'd heard of was famous gymnast Olga Korbut and Karen Carpenter.
MAT That's right.
LIZ And what, you know, was there anything particular going on in your world at that time or did it just happen? Do you have any sense of why?
NIKKI Well at the time my Mum and Dad were battling with a divorce and I was in the gymnastic squad, and there was an awful lot of pressure there. And I just needed something I could control. And I found that I could control how much I ate and how much I weighed. And yeah I was good at it so I made it my ambition to starve myself to death just like Karen Carpenter did.
MAT When you were like not eating any of your school lunch didn't the teachers notice or the cater--... I mean didn't anyone notice and sort of try and stop it?
NIKKI Well people did notice at school and for a long time I used to just sit in the medical room because obviously when you're not eating your brain gets starved of nutrients and it's not able to function. So I was going into the classes and not able... not being able to learn or do what the other children were doing. So I would just sit in the medical room and obviously my weight got lower and lower and eventually I was taken out of school.
LIZ And so once people recognise it as anorexia and once you'd got the diagnosis, what happened? You know I was reading you've been in and out of hospitals for years and years with it.
NIKKI Well yeah. All in all I've spent 11 years in hospital.
MAT Wow!
NIKKI So I got like lots of different care in lots of different places like one particular unit would offer a different strategy to another unit. And as the years went on the placements I was in the care was slightly better. But when I first was hospitalised the methods they use were just totally barbaric.
LIZ So what were they, if you don't mind us asking, what were the treatments, what kind of things?
NIKKI Well one particular placement just put me on the bed in a cubicle for three months. I had no mental stimulation, I wasn't allowed books, I wasn't allowed cuddly toys – I was nine years old. I had a 20 minute visit from my Mum.
LIZ Which must have been, you know, your family was going through enough anyway, you were ...
MAT It sounds barbaric.
LIZ ... incredible.
NIKKI And for a child that could be really damaging. And I'd have to use a bedpan and a bed bath and it was just horrendous.
LIZ Have things really progressed now, have they changed a lot in terms of the treatments?
NIKKI Yeah. The last eating disorders unit I was in the care was better, they knew how to deal with people with eating disorders and we had proper psychiatric help. And we had weight gain programmes which were designed for people with eating disorders.
MAT You stopped treatment abruptly and began to recover in 2001. What was the actual turning point when it started to change? What was that?
NIKKI I actually ran away from one of the clinics I was in when I was 15. And it's the first time that I experienced the outside world because I'd been so institutionalised for 11 years that I didn't – was it 11 years, it might have been a bit less than that – but I hadn't seen the outside world, I hadn't lived in it and I got picked up by the police and put in a children's home. And I stayed there for five days and yeah it was just experiencing living with people outside of hospital, although it was for a short time, it was enough for me to think my God what am I doing? There could be a place for me outside of hospital. I want to get better and go home and experience living. So at that point obviously I got picked up by Social Services and taken back and I thought you know what I'm going to turn my back on this illness and fight to get out of hospital and go home. And I did.
MAT Ironic then that you should end up in Big Brother really. Bizarre institution being told what to do.
NIKKI Perfect for me!
LIZ It must have been a breeze for you in comparison?
NIKKI It was
LIZ Why did you, what made you go, "You know what let's go for it, I want to do this?" What?
NIKKI Because I had nothing to lose. I came out of hospital I had no qualifications, I've missed all my schooling. I got put in a hostel when I first came out of hospital because I couldn't live at home and, you know, I lived with people that had just... they'd leave razor blades, used razor blades and sanitary towels in the communal showers. And I lived in this place for a year and a half and it was so horrendous and I just thought there must be something better for me out there. I've got to try. I went to college and I did a course in beauty therapy and got an NVQ in that. And I just had to start life from scratch at the age of 16. I had no friends, I had nothing going for me. So going on Big Brother was like... I loved the show I'd watched every single series.
LIZ So you were a fan.
NIKKI I was a huge fan.
LIZ So you saw the advert and you thought absolutely this is for me?
NIKKI But there's something interesting, I applied the year Jade Goody went in and I got quite far, those were the days where you had to send in a show reel about yourself. And it was almost like an audition process where you send in a video. So I sent this in, I got called in, I actually got quite far, I got through a few stages and then I got to do the producer's talk and I told them about my past and I actually broke down while I was talking about it and got quite upset. And I didn't get called back after that. So I left it a few years and I went back and auditioned when I was 22 and yeah and I sailed through it. I thought I'm not going to tell them about my anorexia because I knew I wouldn't get in.
LIZ That's fascinating because I had no idea until recently that you had had anorexia, that you have it, and was really shocked because it doesn't come across in Big Brother at all, so I wanted to ask you why did you make the decision not to tell them. Wow because when you did you weren't selected by the sounds of it.
MATAnd we're back with Big Brother's Nikki Grahame. Was it hard then being in there because the food tasks are a big part of what happens in Big Brother aren't they, you know, you're deprived of food or it's a profit and reward system in terms of...
MAT So did you try and like mess up the tasks so there wouldn't be any food?
NIKKI Oh there was a couple of occasions one of them where I think, I can't remember it was something to do with all the housemates had to do a different job, and Glyn was the house chef, we weren't allowed to eat anything unless it was prepared by Glyn. And it was awful for me because I've got all my OCD traits as well where I have to wash my hands obsessively until they're red raw before I eat, and to have him buttering my toast it was just awful. I've got a big obsession with germs so to have anyone else touch my food I just can't... it was horrendous. But it was good for me, it was really good because I had to just get on with it and do it for the other housemates.
LIZ Without mentioning that you had anorexia?
NIKKI Well no everyone knew I had OCD, I couldn't go through the whole two months of being in there, everyone knew I had my own strange ways. Like I had my own mug and I wrote my name on it in nail varnish and no one was allowed to use this mug because it was Nikki's mug.
MAT Now your Big Brother love interest was Pete Bennett who famously has Tourettes syndrome did you feel like a disability solidarity or relation there?
NIKKI Yeah.
MAT Or was it just girl/boy stuff?
NIKKI No that's where in the first week me and Pete had this connection because we both had underlying issues. And that's why I kind of clicked with him.
LIZ I watched that, I mean I was a fan of Big Brother and also your spin-off you did a series called Princess Nikki because you've been talking about the OCD and this can you explain about Princess Nikki and how that came about.
NIKKI They basically lined me up for a load of jobs which they knew would get my back up i.e., working in a sewage works for the day or...
MAT Why? That's like torture for you.
NIKKI It was torture and it was pretty rotten filming the show. Some bits were quite fun like working in a dog kennel, that was quite fun. And the mountain rescuing. They just wanted me to lose my temper I think so it would be funny to watch.
LIZ Why did you do it, Nikki?
NIKKI Because I actually thought that I'd be doing jobs that I would enjoy like wedding planner or floristry – things like that but I suppose it was all banter at the end of the day and a lot of people did find the show enjoyable.
LIZ And you could cope with it, it wasn't that bad?
NIKKI Yeah. There were bits where I did try and quit the show but there was a lot of money at stake.
MAT Oh because I was about to ask so it was more about the money or the therapy? Because it could have been a bit of like forcing yourself to be...
NIKKI I'd say it was...
MAT therapy?
NIKKI Yeah a bit of both. It didn't do me any harm to get my hands dirty.
MAT With the cash.
NIKKI No with the dog poo and with the human poo.
LIZ So you're looking really well now. So how are you now and how do you cope with the anorexia on a day to day basis now? Are you well from it or are you still recovering from it? How do you feel?
MAT You see I actually don't know is it something you can get better from or is it something like alcoholism that you're always living with?
NIKKI A lot of people do actually recover from anorexia but I think I was quite a critical case and to have it to the extent that I had it I think it's something that I'm actually going to live with for the rest of my life. And I do dip in and out of it depending on what I'm going through at the time. Unfortunately I've lost a stone in the past year and I'm trying to put that weight back on. I'm seeing a dietician at the moment. And I had a referral to St. Vincent's Square which is an eating disorders outpatient clinic where I can go and get therapy. So yeah I'm waiting to see someone there. But it's important for me that I keep it in check because sometimes it is easy to slip back into it. Not to the extent, not ever to the extent how it was. And I would never, ever, ever allow myself to be hospitalised again because there's just too much life out there and I've wasted enough time being in hospital. I've turned my life around since coming out of hospital and overcoming like the majority of my anorexia and I never want to go back to that to the extent that it was.
LIZ What made you write the book?
NIKKI Well writing that book was something I always needed to do. And even if I hadn't gone on Big Brother I would have written that book. It was really cathartic for me because all the years I was ill I had therapy but I shunned it because I didn't want to get better. So writing that book for me was like therapy it was really cathartic and it was drawing a line under it.
MAT That's good. In the book because one of the things about different impairments is they can have an impact on your body the longer you have them like I'm pretty arthritic in the hands because I overuse them and I've got little ones. What kind of effect does long term anorexia have on the body?
NIKKI Well unfortunately anorexia can really damage your body. Years of starving myself I actually I stopped growing when I was 11 and I've never had a period in my whole life.
MAT Oh wow!
NIKKI I can't have children and I developed osteoporosis. I've got it in both hips and I've got acute osteoporosis in my spine which, you know, it's a worry for me. Everyday like when I wear heels, if I get drunk and I fall over if it's a bad fall I could be in a wheelchair. It's had so much long term damage which is irreparable and it does sadden me but that's why I want to get the word out there and just say, you know, it may be one thing to be thin but look what you could do in the long term and that is undoable.
MAT Okay. Thank you Nikki. Because you've really bared your soul to us there.
LIZ Absolutely yeah.
MAT Very appreciated. And a lot of people who are beginning to experience this or who have experienced this who are listening I'm sure will get a lot from it, so thank you very much.
NIKKI And thank you very much.