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...oh! 'Ang on! That was good! Oi done a rhyme! Bear with me a mo, Oi'm just gonna put that in me big book o' rhymins. Lessee now...

"Oi loves to hear me cowses doin' their mooin'
Oi likes to know what they be doin'"

There. Proper smart, she is! Oi don't know how Oi comes up with 'em sometimes, Oi really don't. Oi reckon Oi got one of they moozes, what comes down from the sky with all they ideas and that. And they chucks ideas at my bonce, and Oi gets my bonce out and all they ideas what've been chucked by that there mooze whack into my bonce and then Oi writes 'em down in me big book o' rhymins.

Oi got lots and lots of rhymins in my big book o' rhymins. Oi got stuff about sheeps, rabbitses, hay, muckin' out they pigses, actin' the giddy goat in the big barn on a rainy day...the lot!

And that's only my big book o' rhymins. Oi got my bucket o' beats too. Call me a big giddy kipper but Oi do loves my bucket o' beats. Oi loves it more than my big book of rhymins, if Oi'm to be truthful. A lot of folks is after asking me what Oi dos to my bucket o' beats to make all they Timbalaaand productions sound proper 'andsome. Well, normally Oi'd set the dogs on anyone what's been sniffing around my laand. But seeing as it's you lot...

What Oi dos is, Oi gets my tape recorderer all set up on the sink like Oi like it. And Oi puts my bucket o' beats on my lap and Oi gets my whacking hammer and Oi whacks my bucket with my whacking hammer, and Oi records it. Oi love my whacking hammer. Oi goes "Whacking hammer, DO YOUR WHACKING!" and Oi whack and Oi whack and Oi whack away until Oi gets all blisterses on me fingerses.

Sometimes Oi dos my mouthbeatses into the bucket instead. Oi turns my bucket o' beats upsides-downses and Oi puts the 'andle round the back of my neck. Then Oi puts my tape recorderer on the table, and Oi start makin' mouthbeatses.

Oi goes: "PMM! p-TISH! PMM-PMM! p-TISH!"

And Oi goes "DIBBY-DIBBY Dibby-Dibby dibby-dibby dibby-dibby BOOF!"

And Oi goes: "DOOSH! CACK! DUH-DOOSH DOOSH CACK!"

All sorts, really. Oi loves it, Oi do. Makin' beatses and doin' rhymin' is what Oi loves doin' best. If Oi've done thirteen hours on the faarm and me back's givin' me gyp, well, alls Oi needs to do is settle down with me whacking hammer, bucket and big book o' rhymins and I'm 'appy as two pigs in a sheep's dip.

Course, there ain't no rest for the wickeds, is'm? Soon as I'm done makin' me beats and rhymins and stuff, Oi gots to get 'm down that maarket, see if Oi can't sell'm to some big city type, like that Squire Timberlake, or Miss Missy Miss Elliott. Oi tells you, by the end of a day at the maarket, I'd sell beatses to ANYONE.

Heh! One time Oi even sold some beatses to this skinny little missy who reckoned her name was Welly Tomato. Oi was LAAAFFING when she told'm, Oi damn near trod on Squire Timbalake's foot. Him weren't too pleased 'bout that, no'm. Oi picked his pack o' beats off the floor, all humble-like. Quick as a flash, he went "Give it to me, give it to me" all quick-like...

...Well, Oi tell 'ee, it were like one of they moozes done whacked me old bonce with a whacking hammer. Oi had the whole song wrote and recorderered before the sun went down over the old barn. Oi even got that Welly 'un and Squire Timberlake to sing on it, show there weren't no hard feelinses. S'prising good job they done too...

Right, that's yer lot. Oi gots 30 head of cattle to feed afore Oi can gets me own dinner. You'm go careful now, right?

Farmer Timbalandses

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*Of COURSE it's not really real. C'mon, don't insult my intelligence (and your own) by pretending you believed this daft ruse for even the tiniest moment! This bit is mainly for Timbaland's lawyers (hi fellas!)...