Ö÷²¥´óÐã

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Nice, in the economic terms in which Bank of England governor Mervyn King was speaking, stands for "non-inflationary constant expansion".

2. The rubble from the old Wembley Stadium was turned into man-made hills.

3. Gordon Brown is a Bee Gees fan.

4. Neil Diamond has never had a number one album in the United States... until now.

5. Locusts combine into swarms because they are frightened of being eaten by each other.

6. Knitting patterns of trademarked characters can breach copyright.

7. The search for extraterrestrial life does not contradict a belief in God.

8. The Ministry of Defence has amassed 160 files on UFOs, containing details of 8,000 sightings.

9. A child of three is expected to know about 300 words.

10. Sloths aren't lazy.


Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Martin Cheeseman of Faversham for this week's picture of 10 caterpillars, taken in Avignon. "My son Noah called me out on to the patio to see a caterpillar procession. Apparently they're the larvae of the 'pine processionary moth'," he writes.

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Monitor note: Sorry. Despite our attempts to achieve forward mobility with publication of Thursday's missives, the cats remained unherded and the ducks refused to line up. But be promised, blamestorming has begun.

Re . You don't want to know what image this particular misleading title conjured up in my mind. (Although the correct interpretation is also pretty alarming.)
KM, Coventry

? Ö÷²¥´óÐã, you are really treating us!
Basil Long, Leicester

In , you just gotta love the archaeologist's name - Luc Long. Nominative determinism strikes again.
GDW, Edinburgh

Re . I've been wondering, as my index and ring fingers are exactly the same length does this mean that I'm both sociable AND likely to excel at sport - or that I'm neither? (In which case what hope is there for me?)
HannaH, UK

More than 24 hours have passed since the usual time for If only the Caption Competition were back. Is the Monitor trying a Pavlov's dog experiment?
John, Sevenoaks
Monitor note: Perhaps it is the calm before the storm...

Can you please send Ad Breakdown on a course in mythical zoology? In this , it clearly don't know their gremlins from their dragons.
Alex D, London, UK

Re . The 2008 activities range "from management consultants to marine biologists". Not a very wide range then. Accountants to zoologists would be much more impressive.
Ralph, Cumbria

Have Paper Monitor and Daily Mini-Quiz had a fall-out? While the former highlights the Brits' love of animals, does its best to remind us not all are so concerned for animal welfare.
HannaH, UK

Please, can you find a picture of the Prime Minister that DOESN'T make him look tired? There must be one.
Mark, Reading

Is Dylan, knitting Monitor figures, going to post pictures of these yarn marvels (Wednesday's Letters )? And where can I get one?
Martje, Lancaster, UK

Dylan, does your Paper Monitor puppet have an hiding its naughty bits?
Nick, Glasgow

Contraception in previous centuries meant separate bedrooms (Wednesday's Paper Monitor). I suppose an entire bedroom would be difficult to pack.
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

Re Friday's quote of the day: How does he know he was spotty then?
Richard Place, Barnstaple

Re . "But we've still got to make sure our guests have a fabulous time otherwise they'll make sure their neighbours will come to us." Perhaps I'm missing something, but I can honestly say that when I've stayed in a bad hotel, I've never contemplating making my neighbours go there. Who does Emma Stratton think would be punished by people sending their neighbours? Her or the neighbours?
PS, Newcastle, England

Having failed miserably yet again on , I was intrigued by one of the items, relating to a survey on people's attitudes to charities. I didn't remember seeing anything about this survey, and assorted searches on Ö÷²¥´óÐã and other news sites have failed to turn up anything. If you have a link to it, or any other information, I'd be very interested. The 7 days quiz is hard enough without using phantom surveys.
Hilary Seidman, Holywood, Northern Ireland
Monitor note: It's in .

I'm starting to get a little frustrated with the pronunciation guides. You say "u" as in "cup" and "uu" as in "book" - but you don't say which accent to use! I say "cup" with the "uu" sound and "book" with the "oo" sound (as in "boot"). Confused? I know I am.
Paul, Isle of Man

Regarding . Where I used to live in Wakefield, there is a phone box about 3 minutes walk from my home. There was a notice saying the phone box would be removed within 4 weeks of the date stated. The date was Aug 2003! It was still up and running when I last passed it in Jan this year. Plus someone was using it to make a phone call.
Helen, Leicester

While I applaud the upgrade of "When can papers be photoed" to , could I suggest the verb "to photograph" as the one your headline writer is aiming for? Third time lucky?
Helen, Cambridge

I wanna be a !
Andrew Burnip, Newcastle upon Tyne

Fatties like me being ? Oh dear, maybe I'd better get some exercise to reduce my flab. And what will happen to all that fat when I burn it off? Oh, that's right - carbon dioxide!
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

Running alongside Paper Monitor's search for the drunken slumped girl, I think we should run a search for the owner of the fat belly which appears in . I wonder if his lifestyle has changed since his starring role in stories about the dangers of plumpness?
Helen, Bath

Bridehead Revisited without the bear? That would be the same as Winnie-the-Pooh without the bear.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Running alongside Paper Monitor's search for the drunken slumped girl, I think we should run a search for the owner of the fat belly which appears in . I wonder if his lifestyle has changed since his starring role in stories about the dangers of plumpness?
Helen, Bath

I am totally fed up of newsreaders and traffic reporters saying "bin" instead of "been". Is it me? Has the spelling changed has the verb changed? Bin is a rubbish receptacle not the past tense of the verb to be. I feel better now having got that off my chest.
Val Clachan, Cardiff

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

When natural disaster strikes in parts other than the UK, the default setting of any domestic news editor is to find out if any Brits are involved. English teachers are inevitable, as are entrepreneurial types.

But among the many caught up in the devastation of the China earthquake is a group which might, insensitively, be termed news paydirt - British tourists at a panda reserve. A panda reserve!

Happily, the tour party has turned up alive after its ordeal, reports the Times in its page three lead. But what's this? Has the paper forgotten that it reports for the British public, famously more concerned with the fate of furry creatures than its fellow human beings?

Much is made of the group's miraculous escape as "rocks rained down" and how they had to edge, one by one, across a makeshift bridge of bamboo ladders. Not to mention living on their coach for three days amid the aftershocks.

The intro tells us how one tourist was cuddling a baby panda as the ground began to rock and roll. And then what - no mention is made of the fate of this wee beast nor any of the other bears at the reserve.

But rest assured, animal lovers, reports from China say that the inhabitants of the famous reserve are safe and well ().

And while the newspaper leaves the fate of the pandas up in the air, Times Online seeks to reassure readers with a prominent article on how keepers grabbed the cub from the tourist's arms as she dashed for safety ().

It is telling that it is on this article - not the tale of the tourists' survival - that a Times reader comments: "Thank you for the one good news story out of all the devastation over there."

Sleep easy, animal lovers.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"Do I remember the spotty student who paid us on the night? How can I put it? No" - Dr Feelgood's manager Chris Fenwick struggles to remember David Cameron.With news that Gordon Brown's pop sensibilities stretch beyond the Arctic Monkeys to a daily dose of the Bee Gees - according to Robin Gibb the PM listens to the 70s disco pop ensemble every day - the theme of political leaders and music is clearly established for the day. So it's over to the Times, which has been retracing the Oxford student days of one David Cameron, in particular his role in organising a big party for fellow students. And, Oxford being Oxford, that means booking a fully fledged professional rock band. Cameron's coup, we're told, was securing the services of . So, does the veteran group's manager have any juicy recollections of his meeting with the young Cameron? Disappointingly, no. Should one at least be a little struck by the spit 'n' sawdust rockers rubbing shoulders with the likes of Eton-educated Cameron? "If someone dangles enough money in front of us, we'll do the somersaults," says a defiantly un-nostalgic Fenwick.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

La la la la fingers in ears too much information la la la.

All week Paper Monitor has been riveted by the serialisation of Cherie Blair's memoirs in the Times and the Sun. So many nuggets of life behind Number 10's doors:

• US secret service men clearing a Ralph Lauren store in order to buy replacement baby clothes for a stinky Leo.
• President Clinton cradling said baby as he bawls his eyes out (Leo, that is).
• Alastair Campbell's insistence that Princess Diana fancies him more than Tony Blair.
• George Bush popping on a DVD of Meet the Parents that first time the Blairs visited Camp David.

But today the Times goes a revelation too far, even further than the "contraceptive equipment" left out of the washbag on a trip to Balmoral. It's the night Cherie and Tony first made sweet love. It's like finding out that your parents still do it. And she already had two - count 'em - other boyfriends at the time.

After a boozy work lunch, a "decidedly amorous" Tony escorted her home on the Number 74 bus. "By the time we got off we knew each other better than when we'd got on. And even better the next morning." And later, on how she came to choose Tony over the other two men in her life: "I fancied him rotten, and still do".

Yet somehow, impossible not to read on. The Daily Mail, which always has something to say about a) Cherie and b) sex out of wedlock is silent. Perhaps it has taken to heart the adage that if you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all. Or perhaps it's because it missed out on the serialisation rights.

Meanwhile, the Sun reproduces drawings by the children of "dungeon master Josef Fritzl". Elisabeth (his daughter) and Felix and Stefan (his sons and grandsons) write their hopes for the future on outlines of their hands.

"My daughter Kerstin's recovery... for people's understanding," writes Elisabeth, free after 24 years imprisoned by her own father.
"I miss my sister... [I] like the sun," is 18-year-old Stefan's take on their freedom.
"Going in the car... playing with other children... running in the meadow," writes Felix, age five.

Yes, hands can be very revealing, as close-ups on last night's Ö÷²¥´óÐã News at Ten of Gordon Brown's bitten-to-the-quick nails show.

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"If you were to take out the teddy bear it would be an outrage to Evelyn Waugh" - Sir John Mortimer on rumours that Brideshead movie is excising Aloysius.

As Hollywood gets its paws on Evelyn Waugh's classic novel Brideshead Revisited, the rumours are that it will be a less than faithful recreation of the original... or indeed the ITV dramatisation from the 1980s. Sir John Mortimer has been acting as a cipher for the sceptics of Tinseltown's interpretation, noting fears that the film version will downplay the themes of God and homosexuality, and, horror or horrors, ditch Aloysius the bear.

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Re . Should I continue with my crocheted set of Magazine Monitor action figures? I've already finished 10 Things and am halfway through How to Say.
Dylan, Reading, UK

I notice from the photo in that one of Caroline Flint's bullet points notes that "We are playing our part to get the market moving with the bank of England's £50 billion liquidity scheme". Is this what the Northern Rock bail-out is being called now?
Phil, London

Re . And you thought it was only an advertising slogan that Australians couldn't give a XXXX...
Andrew, Milton Keynes

might not apply to other beverages. I was on my way to buy some cider the other day when The Wurzels came on the radio and I changed my mind.
Ed, Clacton, UK

Now I know the Hull accent can be rather perplexing to the non-native, but it's my guess (and it IS just a guess) that the Sargesons did not wonder whether they were to be graced by Dame Kiri Te Kanawa (as per the Quote of the Day) but by that other celebrated songstress, Kerry Katona. Having spent many years living in the poorer areas of Hull, I feel qualified to say that antipodean opera singers feature somewhat less highly in the cultural vernacular here than they do amongst the polenta chopping classes of Islington. Nice to see the north/south divide in such rude health. Still, whilst uncertainty about the Monitor's gender may remain, at least we've sewn up the issue of their class on this one.
Ashley Pearson, Hull (but originally from Truro)

I see Dexter's his . When are they going to realise he just doesn't like tea and cakes...
Stig, London, UK

Re embarrassing contraceptive equipment (Paper Monitor). Chastity belts can be a tad difficult to pack properly.
Candace, New Jersey, US

Amy-Jo (Tuesday letters), it's not as unsettling as realising the Demon Headmaster is actually Jack Straw.
Katie P, London

Can we have a round of applause for Ralph from Cumbria? Two letters from him within two days, and both made me laugh.
Jimmy Young, Berkhamsted, UK

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An occasional guide to the words and names in the news from Martha Figueroa-Clark of the Ö÷²¥´óÐã Pronunciation Unit.

The devastating earthquake in China has affected many towns and cities in the Wenchuan county in the south-western Sichuan province. Some of our recommended pronunciations for Chinese place names and people's names are given below.

Note: where only two syllables appear, each should be stressed. Otherwise, stressed syllables are shown in upper case.

BEICHUAN - bay chwann (-ch as in church; -a as in hat)
BEIJING - bay jing (-j as in Jack). The pronunciation bay-ZHING (-zh as "s" in measure) is common but is not as close to the Chinese pronunciation)
CHENGDU - chung doo (-ch as in church; -u as in "cup")
CHONGQING - chuung ching (-ch as in church; -uu as in book)
DEYANG City - duh yaang (-uh as in the; -aa as in father)
DUJIANGYAN City - DOO ji-aang YENN (-j as in Jack)
HU JINTAO, president - KHOO jin TOW (-kh as in Scottish loch, not lock; -j as in Jack; -ow as in now)
MIANYANG - myenn yaang (-my as in mute; -e as in get; -aa as in father)
MIANZHU - myenn joo (-j as in Jack)
RUIJIN - ray jin (-ay as in day; -j as in Jack)
SICHUAN (Szechwan, Szu Ch'uan) - suh chwann (-uh as in the; -ch as in church; -a as in hat)
WEN JIABAO, prime minister - WUHN ji-aa BOW
WENCHUAN - wuhn chwan (-uh as in the)
YA'AN - yaa an (-aa as in father; -a as in hat)
XINHUA news agency - shin khwaa (-kh as in Sc. loch, not lock; -aa as in father)

It is important to point out that the above pronunciations are anglicised and are not intended to reflect native Mandarin Chinese pronunciation.

One important difference between our pronunciations and Chinese pronunciation is the absence of tones which are used in Chinese to differentiate meanings. For example, the Chinese syllable "ma" can mean four different things (mother, hemp, horse or to scold), depending on which tone is used.

Monolingual English broadcasters are not expected to recognise, much less reproduce, this level of detail, which is why the Pronunciation Unit has a systematic way of anglicising Chinese syllables. For example, as the pronunciations for Mianyang and Mianzhu above demonstrate, the syllable "mian", is always rendered as "myen" in our anglicised system.

Standard Mandarin Chinese characters tend to be systematically transliterated using the Pinyin romanisation system. This system uses the Latin alphabet to represent sounds. However, the spelling in English can sometimes be misleading when it comes to pronunciation. For example, the vowel letters a, e, o, u represent the following sounds: a (as in hat), aa (as in father) or e (as in get); uh (as in ago) or u (as in cup); uu (as in book); oo (as in boot) or ue (as in French vu) respectively. Similarly, the consonant letters h, j, q, x and zh represent the sounds: kh (as in Scottish loch), j (as in Jack, not "s" as in measure), ch (as in church); sh (as in shop) and j (as in Jack) respectively.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of the correspondence between the romanised spellings of Standard Mandarin Chinese and their usual pronunciation in English but the examples above should give readers some idea of the way we treat certain Mandarin Chinese sounds in English. While it may seem confusing at first, our anglicised pronunciations follow a system which is simplified but consistent and, therefore, relatively easy for non-native speakers of Mandarin Chinese to follow.

To download the Ö÷²¥´óÐã Pronunciation Unit's guide to text spelling, click here.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Seems to be dirty laundry day for the high profile establishment women of Britain today. Rinsing out her private troubles in the media is firstly Sarah Ferguson, soon to be seen on ITV1 shacking up with an overweight family who live in Hull on £80 a week.

The Daily Mirror kicks off with the sympathetic "Fergie's TV torment" which opens with quotes from the vulnerable duchess about her ugly sense of herself and how she's learned to handle "dark" feelings by talking to her daughters instead of comfort eating. A chartered pyschologist even gets a spot on how to think positive.

Contrast with the Daily Mail's treatment: "Can we stomach Fergie telling us all what to eat?" - naturally accompanied with a photo of the Duchess of York taken 14 years ago when she was bigger. Although clearly not many people could ever be big enough to withstand the vitriol of her press at the time.

Now, which way to turn when Cherie Blair's serialised memoirs have thrown up so many fascinating threads for reporters to follow?

A nice variety today:

The essence of the Daily Telegraph's angle is that Cherie thinks Bill Clinton is pretty fanciable - she can see what Monica saw in him, that's for sure. The Guardian goes with the Blairs' jointly sinking hearts on learning that George Bush had won the 2000 election. And David Kelly's family tell the Mail that Cherie should be ashamed of herself for writing about his suicide in a way that shows Tony Blair as a good man with pure motives.

Paper Monitor is scouring the Mirror for a Cherie memoir mention - but it seems to be absent. Could the Mirror be refusing to play because it's the Sun which has the serialisation rights?

Jane Moore at the Currant Bun hits the bullseye with her summary of the biggest cringe of Cherie's book. Leo was conceived at Balmoral (Paper Monitor winces and Cherie Blair writes) because she was too embarrassed to pack her contraceptive "equipment" when staff would be unpacking her suitcase.

What equipment would possibly be so indiscreet and difficult to conceal in a washbag, wonders Ms Moore: "Not since Paula Yates announced that Michael Hutchence did 'six things that were illegal' on their first night together have our minds raced so." It must be noted that royal helpers unpacked even Cherie's washbag and its "range of unmentionables".

And lastly, a comedy creation for you to make at home. The leftovers of yesterday's Sex and the City premiere are everywhere and it's the practical Sun Woman pages who triumph with a helpful demo of how to fashion an imitation Philip Treacy hat as sported by Sarah Jessica Parker... out of a pineapple and a coat hanger.

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"You've heard of the Queen, have you? The Queen was my mother-in-law" - Sarah Ferguson to the family she will live with in her reality ITV show, The Duchess in Hull.

Before the duchess arrives, the Sargesons wonder which famous face will act as their lifestyle coach. After guessing that it might be Vanessa Feltz, Nigella Lawson or Kerry Ke Tanawa [sic], they have no idea who the red-haired woman on their doorstep is.

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Is anyone else slightly unsettled by the fact that the the Demon Headmaster seems to be the head of the civil and family courts?
Amy-Jo, Sheffield

Rather than judges ditching their wigs in favour of robes with colour-coded bands, would it not be more fun if they just had their wigs rinsed in the appropriate colour? I like the idea of being tried by a judge sporting a lilac-rinsed wig...
Sue, London

The new outfit for judges wouldn't look out of place on Grand Moff Tarkin. The cut looks kind of similar.
Darren, Leicester

Why all the fuss about households throwing away unconsumed food? What would happen to it if we only bought what we knew we would consume? Eventually, the remainder in the shops would be, er, thrown away.
John Whapshott, Westbury, Wiltshire

Interesting to read about the new trapdoor spider named after Neil Young. You wonder how long it will be before a Beatles-loving scientist will give us the mate-eating black widow, heathermillsi.
Helene Parry, S Wales expat to Brentford

In addition to vapour trails from aircraft (Monday's Letters), it should be noted that the emissions from the large power station towers are also just water - like clouds really. The bad stuff is invisible and doesn't make such good pictures.
Mark Perryman, Coventry

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Can one film premiere get a front page mention on nearly every UK paper with pages and pages of coverage between them? If it's Sex and the City making its global debut in London, it would appear that the answer is a resounding yes. (Checklist: The Times, Daily Mail, Sun, Independent, Daily Mirror, Daily Mail and Metro.)

For a film whose fifth character is often said to be New York City itself, the decision to hold the big night across the Atlantic in London apparently gave the British press a reason to gloat. But judging by the coverage - mostly photographs of the celebrities attending the premiere - Fleet Street hacks must have been enjoying the evening sunshine with very little writing to be done.

There was one, or should that be two, notable no-shows at the star-studded bash. Despite being as synonymous with the hit TV show as a Cosmopolitan cocktail, there was no sign of a pair of Manolo Blahniks amongst the four leading ladies.

Even the Independent's leader article spends several sentences on such frivolity before getting down to business - the show's feminist credentials, making it clear that it's not (all) about the dresses, honest.

Paper Monitor smirks at the Guardian's decision not to mention THAT premiere. Obviously deputy fashion editor Hadley Freeman was too busy reviewing that other haute couture unveiling, of the new bare-headed designer look for judges. Talk about a diary clash. How fashionistas must have been torn between the two.

The judiciary will no doubt be sorry to hear that, according to Ms Freeman, the new robe makes them look "like the man who sells you tickets for the Star Trek Experience at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas".

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For those of you that came here from the Daily Mini-Quiz, here is a picture of the new outfit for judges in the civil and family courts.

The horsehair wigs have been ditched in favour of a dark navy, gaberdine gown trimmed with velvet, designed by Betty Jackson.

This one is modelled by the most senior judge in Britain, Lord Chief Justice, Lord Phillips of Worth Matravers, who had often complained about the inconvenice of the wig.

Coloured bands denote seniority. Red is for High Court judge, gold for Court of Appeal judges and heads of High Court divisions, lilac for circuit judges and blue for district judges.

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"Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi" - the name given to a new species of spider by a fan of the veteran rocker

Jason Bond is a biologist from East Carolina University. Jason Bond is also a Neil Young fan. So it is perhaps no surprise that a new species of trapdoor spider now enjoys a moniker with a distinctly rock flavour.

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Re Sex and the City is over-coloured, ludicrously wordy and utterly bound by its own devotion to stereotypical pinkness. As with Desperate Housewives, it has become Camp TV - limp, silly and with nothing to teach any woman about how to survive either sex or the city. Is it any wonder that TV production continues to visit costume drama when the highest profile of contemporary "women's programming" is so vacuous?
Kim, Oxfordshire

Paper Monitor mentions the seaside shots in various publications. Checking online I noticed that the same four girls appear in photos in The Times ("Crowds of people flock to the British beaches", with a pier in the background), the Daily Mail ("Four bikini-clad girls enjoy splashing around in the sea at Bournemouth Beach") and Metro ("A group of girls enjoy the warm weather and the sea on the beach in Brighton"). Brighton? Bournemouth? They sure got around a bit on such a hot day.
Ed, Clacton, UK

Most of the time it is possible to look at a headline and have a good idea what the story is about. Apart from .
Simon, Colchester, UK

Perhaps the author of would like to borrow my Boy's Own Book of Ships. He will then discover that a tanker carries liquids, and a freighter carries other things. Piling containers on a tanker is not a good idea; you would get your wrists slapped and not be allowed to sail.

I am a mum and a secondary school teacher. I want to air my concerns about how many young people are being allowed to play the newly released GTA4. It has a rating of 18 for good reason. The majority of boys in my form who are 15/16 got it as soon as it was released and my son's friends, all 13/14, have also got it. Such was the peer pressure that our son decided, against our wishes, to borrow the game this week. Why do other parents ignore the rating? As a teacher and a parent I am very worried that parents don't think it matters if young people are exposed to explicit violence, sex, drug abuse and foul language. What is their justification? Children should be allowed to be children.
Nadine Morgan, York, England

Every day British people throw away more than a . Might the reason be that what looks so tempting amongst hundreds of similar pots on the supermarket shelves looks rather less tempting in the fridge, alongside much more exciting and substantial snacks and meals?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

The pictures in If only the Caption Competition were back miss the point. You don't want silly pictures, you want something like .
Jo Edkins, Cambridge

aren't all bad. I was laughing all day after what I thought would be a dull market research call on Saturday. It came from what I assume was a busy call-centre in India or Sri Lanka. I was bored, so happy to spend a few minutes answering questions about hot consumer issues including salads, DAB radio and foreign holidays. Then at the end, the researcher asked for my name. I spelt it out letter-by-letter, and he tried use the phonetic alphabet to confirm it back to me: "C for Charlie, O for Oscar, U for Umbrella, L for Lima, T for Tango, H for erm... Hitler".
John Coulthard, Bath, UK

Re serving up grey squirrel (Monday's Quote of the Day). Let me guess, tastes like chicken?
Candace, New Jersey, US

Dave from Gillingham (Monday letters), Ginger Nuts are certainly not the way forward for dunking. At the forefront of dunking technology is the Yorkshire Tea biscuit - T-shaped for maximum dunkage.
Simon Guerrero, Melksham, UK

Re : "Vapour trails across the sky makes pollution from planes highly visible" is complete rubbish. Vapour trails are water vapour, hence the name. If a zero-carbon aircraft is ever built it will still leave vapour trails.
Richard Kent, Sheffield, UK

Last week, there was an item on Ö÷²¥´óÐã Breakfast news about garden security. I once looked out of my bedroom window and saw a man walking off with my garden gate. I didn't say anything; I didn't want him to take offence.
Ralph, Cumbria

What's wrong with the word "row" (Friday letters)? It keeps you fit and allows you to enjoy the river.
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The weekend's blistering weather prompted an army of photographers to make the familiar journey to the East Sussex coast for that irresistible combination of sun, breasts and a day return rail ticket. In a strand that shall henceforth be known as Brighton Beach Mammoirs (apologies to Neil Simon), Paper Monitor will be keeping keen tabs this summer on flesh shots from the resort popularly known as London-on-Sea. Today's exponents include the Sun, the Times, the Mirror and the Daily Mail and Metro, which both feature a classic of the oeuvre (as described in last Thursday's Paper Monitor) with the Brighton pier in the background.

The Times and Sun meanwhile offer up a nice example of that old Fleet Street favourite - the non-exclusive exclusive. In this case, the Sun's "WORLD EXCLUSIVE" of extracts from Cherie Blair's memoirs - "how she conceived Leo at royal summer residence... how she fell out with two members of the Royal Family" bear more than a passing similarity with the Times' "the Queen liked us - but her sister and Princess Anne didn't".

But why, Paper Monitor wonders, does the Sun's "adapted" extract refrain from mentioning the paper's current editor, Rebekah Wade, by name? Compare and contrast, the following, in which Mrs B recounts a tussle over breaking the story of her pregnancy in 1999.

The Times: "On the way to the meeting, Fiona's mobile rang. It was Rebekah Wade, the deputy editor of the Sun... I took the phone. I'd known Rebekah for some time and had a certain amount of respect for her... We had a girly chat."

The Sun: "On the way to the meeting, Fiona's mobile rang. It was a friend from the Sun... I took the phone. We had a girly chat."

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"People like the fact it is wild meat, low in fat and local - so no food miles" - Cornish butcher David Simpson on his grey squirrel pasties

After years of increasing resentment towards the invading grey squirrel, gourmands around the country are now taking matters into their own hands and controlling the population by eating them. Simpson gets through as many as 60 "moist and sweet" squirrels a day.

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