Ö÷²¥´óÐã

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. You can get inflatable TV screens.
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2. Meerkats have family "traditions" that are passed down through generations.
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3. Two year olds have woodwork lessons, using hammers and nails.
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4. A salary of £14,400 is the minimum a single person needs for an acceptable standard of living.
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5. The world's tallest tent is 150m (490ft) high.
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6. Lady Gaga has over 10m fans on Facebook.
(More details)

7. Hamburger-related injuries are on the rise in Taiwan.
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8. The common octopus is the most intelligent invertebrate.
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9. Liquid can stop bullets.
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10. The male squid's sexual organ is almost as long as its whole body.
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Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Vic Barton-Wälderstadt for this photo of 10 colouring pencils.

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Am I the only one to appreciate the irony that a Congresswoman who "heads the intelligence sub committee for the House's Ö÷²¥´óÐãland Security Committee" has "an open home network that could have leaked out vital information", which is neither intelligent nor secure?
Gareth, Edinburgh

Stabilisers and an outboard motor are not normal accoutrements on my 'standard' .
David Wright, Swindon, UK

. I think I'd be a wee bit peeved as well!
Phil, Leeds

Damn Ronaldo's parents for the reasons for their choice of . If it hadn't been for their randomness I would have got 7/7 on the 7 days quiz (for the first time EVER).
Ellie, Herts

Kate (Thursday's letter), teatime depends on where you are. Up here in the north it is 5:00 - 6:30 pm, when the main meal of the day is taken. In the south it is 4:00 pm, but you only get tea and cucumber sandwiches.
Alan, Salford, UK

Kate (Thursday's letter), I'd say it was around 5pm
Sarah, Camberley

Kate (Thursday's letter), breakfast can be taken anytime before 10am. Brunch is between 10 am and noon - elevenses (10:30-11:30) being a mere snack and not a meal-time. Lunch occurs between 12noon and 2pm. High tea happens between 2pm and 4pm and is generally nibbles of sandwiches (cucumber, no crusts) and a nice refreshing brew; although this can be substituted for a cream tea with cakes (or a Tunnocks teacake on a Friday). 'Tea' itself is early dinner - between 4pm and 6pm, whereas 'Dinner' itself is between 6pm and 8pm. Supper can be taken anytime after 8pm (although those who should be seen and not heard would be allowed supper earlier, which would comprise simply a rich tea biscuit and a glass of milk, warmed during winter months). Hope that helps.
Basil Long, Nottingham

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it's models on the runway during the Chanel show as part of the Paris Haute Couture Fashion Week.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. ARoseByAnyOther
After the World Cup, the three lions went their separate ways

5. Rogueslr
I had to do it, my agent said there was a claws in my contract.

4. Bangledancer
Look what the cat dragged in...

3. Woundedpride
The Lion, the Witch and the Ever-So-Expensive-But-Chic Wardrobe

2. Steele Hawker
No, no, I said I wanted to produce an entirely new LINE

1. Grazvalentine
Sometimes I just feel like running away and joining the circus.

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Paper Monitor is unwell and will be seeking restorative health in the sunshine.

It will be back on Monday.

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"I don't want to grow old gracefully, I want to put up a bit of a fight" - Entertainer Bruce Forsyth on why he follows a strict exercise regime laid out by Tibetan monks.

Every morning the Strictly Come Dancing host undertakes an elaborate series of twirls, press-ups and stretches, a Channel 4 documentary has revealed. The work-out comes from a book called the Fountain of Youth, given to him by his mother-in-law on his wedding day.

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Step aside Derren Brown. Any chance of giving him 49 numbered before Saturday night?
Ralph, Chatham, Kent

I correctly predicted (like - "German 'psychic' octopus predicts victory for Spain") that Spain would beat Germany. As this gives me 100% record compared to Paul's 70%, does this make me more 'psychic' than Paul?
Dave Simms, Slough, UK

Only in Britain would police describe a time as "". Anyone actually know when this is?
Kate, London

"How do you tape people's arms up if there's no ? Well, you use firemen's duct tape," I'll remember this next time I'm involved in an emergency. No tape? Just use tape.
Dave M, Hertford

Well, depends whether we're talking double deckers or Olympic-sized swimming pools...
Hoddo, Botto

Was it just me, or was anyone else slightly disappointed not to see a gigantic in this article?
Amy, Glasgow

Awww, I thought it was going to be a as big as your head. What with that and 'how big is big' yesterday, all round thwarted expectations.
Sarah, Nantwich, UK

Oh, Adam (Wednesday's letters), I'm confused. Do you mean PM is definitely a man because it was Morrisey who sang those lines, or that PM is definitely a woman because she hasn't got enough clothes?
Julie, London

Adam (Wednesday's letters), I'm afraid inform you that my husband blindsided me with that complaint just this weekend... and he ended up with a new outfit.
Tamsin, Exeter

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor loves a bargain, and more so the sense of stubborn satisfaction that comes with somehow getting one over authority.

And now, it seems, Paper Monitor has a kindred spirit in Vincent Graff of the Daily Mail, who tilts at the giant windmill that is Ryanair by

Let Mr Graff explain for himself:

There are all sorts of rules about the bags you can carry but none that govern the clothes you can wear.
So today I'm wearing a jacket that has 17 pockets - into which I have stuffed virtually everything I need.
In other words, I'm wearing my luggage instead of carrying it.

Under Ryanair rules, he explains, passengers are only allowed one item of hand luggage, weighing no more than 10kg. Beyond this, they can only check in one 20kg bag for an extra £30 - anything heavier can incur a charge of up to £160 return.

The haul that he manages to stuff into his huntsman's field vest includes "my laptop, four T-shirts, two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks, a toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, sunglasses, mobile phone, camera, a torch, books, notepad and a first-aid kit".

This amounts to no less than an extra 1.8kg above the hand luggage limit on board - and all for nothing.

Some might sneer at the thought of the reporter sweltering in the check-in queue as part of his Quixotic mission. But Paper Monitor, who has been known to board flights with items of laundry poking out of every pocket, can only applaud. (Although not from , as the Magazine explained last week.)

The Sun, too, realises that there is a market in tight-fisted travellers. It that a US firm is selling a 28-pocket coat designed for this very purpose.

"With more pockets in your big mac than the Crucible during the World Snooker Championships, you even have room for clothes, shoes and accessories," it says.

Paper Monitor's cheque is in the post.

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"Male homosexuals are to be free to enjoy themselves going to Kylie concerts, drinking exotically-coloured cocktails and talking about boys with their straight female mates" - Supreme Court judge Lord Rodger on why gay and lesbian asylum seekers should be given the right to stay in the UK.

The ruling overturns a Ö÷²¥´óÐã Office policy of refusing asylum to those persecuted by homophobic regimes on the grounds that they could just pretend to be straight. But Lord Rodger said gays and lesbians should be able to be themselves "just as male heterosexuals are free to enjoy themselves playing rugby, drinking beer and talking about girls with their mates".

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When considering money spent by the UK Government on iPhone , the approval process involves "the Efficiency and Reform Group, which is chaired by the Minister for the Cabinet Office and the Chief Secretary to the Treasury". Surely the approval process itself isn't efficient and could do with streamlining?!
Lee Pike, Auckland, NZ

Has learnt from his previous mistake?
Ralph, Cumbria

Tom Webb, (Tuesday's letters): Sign outside the Winter Gardens, Cleethorpes (some years ago now): Psychic Fair cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Greg, Dallas TX

? No it gives the rest of the country the kiss of life.
Charlotte Serpell

Stories currently occupying positions 4 and 5 on the most popular stories: "" and "?". Enough said.
Chris Kenny, Southampton, England

I can't help but think of a quote from Oscar Wilde that fully demonstrates the non-issue here: "And, after all, what is a fashion? From the artistic point of view, it is usually a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."
Simon Kempthorne

"Doesn't have a stitch to wear"? No doubt I will be one of just many correspondents to point out that the question of Paper Monitor's sex is now settled beyond any possible doubt.
Adam, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor would go out tonight, but - like Morrissey - doesn't have a stitch to wear.

Not since a glance at the latest offerings from Fleet Street's style correspondents suggests Paper Monitor is completely out of step with the latest trends - whether we are talking men's or ladieswear.

In the Guardian, Jess Cartner-Morley solemnly informs us - citing no less an authority than designer Karl Lagerfeld - that the Little Black Dress "could finally be falling out of fashion".

And what will the western world's womenfolk dig out of the back of their wardrobes in its place? Ms Cartner-Morley looks for alternatives at Chanel's latest catwalk show:

Jackets with hems cropped at the waist and sleeves were worn over kneelength dresses. Those cocktail dresses which featured cutouts at the back, side or upper arms were veiled by ropes of pearls.

Surely it can't be long before ropes of pearls are veiling every female upper arm on Paper Monitor's local high street? That's as soon as Primark gets the memo from Ms Cartner-Morley, anyway.

The prognosis for fashion-conscious gentlemen is even more startling, given that the show's lone male model is pictured wearing biker boots, a tailcoat and a voluminous lion's head mask.

Thankfully, the Daily Telegraph looks for style leadership in more prosaic quarters - namely, the coalition government.

"Summer fashions livened up yesterday's weekly Cabinet meeting," an anonymous correspondent insists.

This point is illustrated with a photo of Conservative party chair Baroness Warsi in a (rather fetching) monochrome shalwar kameez and Desmond Swayne, parliamentary private secretary to the prime minister, sporting a Man from Delmonte-esque Panama hat.

Mr Swayne's look is, the Telegraph declaims, "dashing". Paper Monitor remains discombobulated. How do you get that to settle on a lion's head mask?

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"As I understand, these things are no longer claimable on parliamentary expenses" - MP Penny Mordaunt, explaining why she had not watched a pornographic film shot on a real-life NHS ward.

Miss Mordaunt, Conservative MP for Portsmouth North, told the Commons she learned of the unnamed west London hospital having doubled as a blue movie set in her previous job as director of the local Kensington and Chelsea council. But she made her excuses for not having seen the finished product.

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Magazine readers may have noticed a few changes in the appearance of our stories as of Tuesday. The Ö÷²¥´óÐã News website is readying itself for a significant redesign and the change in appearance to Magazine stories is part of a transitional stage. Please stay with us. Thanks.

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Why is the fact we are fine in a and hurt by a recovery a surprise? The recession was a macro-economic event with bankers and economists playing (literally) with pretend money. The recovery is when we have to spend our real money to pay for the bail out. And they by all accounts are going back to playing...
I'm not bitter, I'm just going through a household budget recession
Andrew, Malvern, UK

Scientists have discovered an evolutionary reason why humans and whales both have Yes, both have mothers who had mothers.
Paul Greggor, London

. And people wonder why we're apparently bringing up a generation of people who feel completely and utterly divorced from their parents' generation? And how, I wonder, would it go down were there to be a village where you could only visit if you were, ooh, I don't know, a certain colour, maybe?
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex

I don't think would be welcome .
Lisa, Portsmouth

"It is not known if Kim Jong-il is a fan of music". Best caption ever.
Darryl Ashton, North Lincolnshire, UK

Surely if it is '' then it should get it right EVERY time. Not 70% of the time.
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Following in the footsteps of Atticus Finch, Tony Parsons and Ricky Martin (probably the first time that sentence has EVER been written)...

...Ronaldo is a single father.

Not the Brazilian footballer with weight and dental issues, but the Portuguese former Man Utd winger, who says he has "exclusive guardianship" of a baby. The identity of the mother remains a secret, although reports suggest she resides in North America.

While some papers set out on a quest to find out who the mother is, others like the Times go for a simple play on words: "Ronaldo dribbling... He will definitely have a nanny, but not the one [midfielder Nani] at Man Utd..."

There are some more inventive attempts at spin-off features.

The Times, again, has , who raised two boys on his own for a decade.

No-one prepared me for the sheer joy of seeing my child ride a two-wheeled bike for the first time or the panic and pain of having a sick child at midnight. No matter how much money you've got, these are things that - like me - you are going to have to experience alone. You will not be able to share the emotional intensity, both positive and negative, with your mother, your sister, your friends, as they will never have the same appreciation of that moment as the other parent would

Over at the Telegraph, there is a dash more cynicism, as they pick out of the rich and famous.

Talking of eccentric slebs, it's Prince Week at the Daily Mirror, which is gearing up for its role as chief distributor of the pop star's new album - the CD will be given away free on Saturday.

As well as his musings on the future of the web, there are some interesting streams of consciousness, such as:

It's great to give away my music through your newspaper. God is a generous and loving being. It is written that we should act like God. There are enough opportunities.

All hail the Mirror's new role as the Lord's distributor of crossover funk-R'nB-pop-rock on Earth.

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"The internet's completely over" - Musician Prince, who has closed his website

If The Artist Formerly Known As Prince But Now Once Again Known As Prince is right, let's hope it makes a comeback soon, like his name. Not for him iTunes or YouTube, whom he bans from using his music. Instead, he's giving away his new album 20TEN with the Daily Mirror.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So, Rafa Nadal takes his second Wimbledon title so effortlessly that he becomes the first player since Bjorn Borg to win the French and Wimbledon singles finals in straight sets.

And what does he see on front of the newspapers on Monday morning?

Some OTHER Wimbledon winners.

The names Liam Broady and Tom Farquharson are not yet inscribed in the pantheon of tennis greats.

But they're British which, for a nation desperate for sporting success, means the super Spaniard will have to make do with the back pages.

The Guardian and the Daily Mail put the Brits on their front pages, while the Telegraph, Express and the Times keep their sense of patriotism (and Tom and Liam) confined to the sports pages.

And what of Andy Murray, whose nationality seems to change according to his fortunes?

After the weekend's papers endlessly pored over the wreckage of his Wimbledon dream, he's neither Scot nor Brit, just forgotten.

It's a Murray-less Monday, which gives more space for the boys following in his footsteps.

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"Let him eat! Let him eat!" - Audience at world hot dog eating championships object to former world champion being led off the stage by police

Six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi was not allowed to compete this year, for contractual reasons, but he crashed the stage at the end of the contest in New York. He was later charged with resisting arrest.

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