Milking it
I was caught flagrantly speeding. The policeman has just pulled me over; I am female and younger than him.
Step one: make eyes as big as possible
Step two: assume the 鈥淕olly, I鈥檓 so sorry鈥 look (with a bit of 鈥渄im鈥 thrown in);
Step three: adjust top to maximize breasts; trembling chin and moisture in eyes optional.
The trick is to be stereotypically female, humbly apologetic and come up with a reason that while slightly ludicrous, actually sounds ditzy-believable enough to be worth repeating back at the stationhouse.
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know if the speedometer was right because the car has snow tires?鈥
鈥淭he guy at the gas station said if I use my brakes going downhill they will burn out.鈥
鈥淚鈥檓 so sorry, my dashboard light is out and I dropped the flashlight I hold in my lap.鈥
And that鈥檚 why I didn鈥檛 pay a single speeding ticket until speed cameras came in. Oh, how I hate those speed cameras.
Once I ended up in a wheelchair I assumed that I would be treated as a human being worthy of dignity and respect. What happened? I got left behind by a lot of bus drivers, I got ignored by a lot of people and I was generally miserable. Buses don鈥檛 leave me behind anymore.
The reason I don鈥檛 get left by buses anymore is because I 鈥渕ilk it.鈥 Once I realized that most males see younger women in wheelchairs in a sort of Victorian fantasy stereotype, I totally pimped it. Want to make sure a bus doesn鈥檛 leave you behind? Sit in your wheelchair parallel to the door of the bus, with a slightly anxious look; lean forward a bit (and yes, roll the shoulders back to project those breasts from 鈥渉eadlights鈥 to 鈥渉igh beam鈥) and with a slight shiver say in a soft, plaintive voice as if to yourself, 鈥淥h, I hope the driver doesn鈥檛 forget me!鈥 Of course project your voice just far enough for the people getting on to hear; repeat as needed until you find the person with 鈥渞escuer complex.鈥 See, if this 鈥渓ost lamb鈥 look doesn鈥檛 have the driver not only making sure you get on but personally locking you in, then one of the passengers will 鈥渞escue鈥 you by forcing the bus driver to let you on. While the passengers are verbally attacking a lazy driver in revolt, try for big eyes and a 鈥渓ittle girl lost鈥 look. Trust me, it works. I鈥檝e actually had two passengers carry me and my chair bodily into the bus.
When rolling off the bus I always use my oh-so-sweet voice to the driver, 鈥淭hank you for ALL your help鈥 or 鈥淭hank you for your extraordinary service.鈥 You know the brainwashing is working when you have multiple bus drivers coming back, asking if you are okay and saying, 鈥淣ow, you don鈥檛 have to pay when you ride with me鈥 (usually followed by 鈥渄arling鈥, 鈥渟weetheart鈥, etc).
Maybe there are good hearted people who are always willing to go outside their comfort zone to help a stranger. I spent my first five months in the wheelchair and didn鈥檛 find many. Once I started mainlining into people鈥檚 mental stereotype and began talking a bit like a lost 13 year old (those imaginary nice ones) I had people GIVING me things. I get odd discounts at restaurants and coffee shops; I get free clothes when shopping at malls.
Response: slight head tilt, shy smile and a soft 鈥渢hank you.鈥
Yes, yes, I am evil. I am destroying the disabled cause. Whatever. Only, I鈥檓 the one getting a FREE mocha getting carried to me to the table of my choice by staff (when they put the mocha on the counter, lean forward, hands out, to reach for it, then look down at your wheels, follow with a bit of distressed breathy breathing while you look at the mocha again and back up at the staff with a furrowed confused/distressed look). I鈥檓 also the one living in a country with no disability rights legislation. Sure, I could do what I used to, stare at the cup, stare at the staff and say in my super-sarcastic voice, 鈥淥h鈥kay, I鈥檒l just put that in my CUP HOLDER shall I?鈥 Except that a) most people then assume you actually HAVE a cup holder and b) now they are too scared of me to talk.
Of course, there are some times while playing out your Secret Garden/ scene that you end up in the middle of a different script all together. For example, I have been 鈥渕ilking it鈥 in every bike shop within wheeling distance (all four of them) to keep my tires pressurized, true my wheels or do anything else my wheelchair needs for free. Yes, I guess I could do my own maintenance but why, when so many guys will do it for me? Except one day I got this older bike store owner to pump up my tires. I made a comment about how similar bicycles are to wheelchairs. He agreed. I said, 鈥淓xcept I have terrible brakes.鈥 I was referring to my scissor brakes. He must have thought I was talking about braking with my hands because before I could react he was holding my hand in his. He looked me in the eyes and said, 鈥淚 think they are perfect brakes, princess!鈥
Holy Crap! I did my head tilt, smile and then got the hell out of that shop. Dude, I am in my 30鈥檚! Princess? I don鈥檛 even want to know what was going on there. I鈥檓 not looking for love, or a sugar daddy, just free stuff (okay, I guess that is sort of a sugar daddy 鈥 but I draw my line at hand holding; no sex).
I am not sure for how long or how far I will use this evil power I have acquired. But, during my first few months I couldn鈥檛 get a sales clerk in a clothing store to even approach me in my chair. Now, I鈥檝e had sales clerks go into the wheelchair size change room, THROW OUT the women in there because I (looking bashful, slightly ashamed and up through long lashes and my fringe/bangs) want to try on some clothes. Then, when I go to buy the clothes, they 鈥渢hrow that one in for free鈥 or give me a discount. Yes, you understand? It is total REVENGE. How else do you think someone like me can smile so sweetly or sound so sickly sincere?
If I had control, there would be a section of Ouch! boards completely dedicated to ways to 鈥渕ilk it.鈥 Yeah, yeah, I鈥檓 a bad person; get over it. The only reason people treat me this way is because they see me as a stereotype instead of an equal person. I鈥檓 just using those prejudices against them (or to my advantage, woo hoo!). Here is another example: The very women, ten years younger than me, who call me 鈥渄ear鈥 or 鈥渓ove鈥 in the way women will talk softly and reassuringly to a child who has a boo-boo are the same ones who can鈥檛 wait to 鈥渉elp you鈥 (a.k.a. free stuff); if you just stare at them. I went to a community fair to buy some gifts for my nieces and nephews. I got a pile of tie-dye clothes from a woman who told me, 鈥淭ake your time love鈥 AND was visibly uncomfortable to be alone with me. Gazing at her with the 鈥渂ig eyes and insecure鈥 look, I asked timidly, 鈥淗ow much?鈥 It was $56. But the longer she looked at the 鈥渂ig soul鈥 eyes, the more she couldn鈥檛 stop talking: 鈥淲ell you are getting a bunch so I should give a group discount of $50....and you can have free socks for that outfit....well, let鈥檚 say $45....and free socks for that other outfit too鈥︹ When she sputtered to an end it was $40 and the two freebies. I hadn鈥檛 said a word.
Response: slight head tilt, shy smile and a soft 鈥渢hank you.鈥 (Milk it!)
Two final pieces of advice for beginners: 1) the more you return, the more they will see you as a person instead of a stereotype and thus, no more freebies and 2) Get a mirror and practice the 鈥渂ig eye鈥 look. If you look like an 鈥渋nnocent鈥 or a puppy people just want to pet and cuddle, you are on the right path, if your eyes are bulging out of your head and you look like a stalker; back to the mirror.
鈥 Visit
Comments
Oh man! This is so much fun to read! It's fun to 'use' your disablity/wheelchair (not misuse it of course) to get things done...
Oh man, you are one evil wench, Princess. But you are so right. However, the routine doesn't work forever, unfortunately. People eventually become immune to it, especially once they get to know you.
Yup, I agree, it is far easier to moan to the peon working for slave wages at Starbucks than to get yourself a cup holder.
Yay, for selfish people.
Great advice!
i have tried tilting my head to one side and smilin sweetly too but i am pug ugly even tho i've got my powerchair. no fair!!!!
love this!
I don't look cute enough to milk it. I never have. Even when all the other disabled kids got flown off to Disneyworld for free, I was stuck at school being treated like rubbish just for not being cute.
Great Stuff!
Cunning is the art of concealing our own defects, and discovering the weaknesses of others.
W. Hazlitt
martijn: totally a fun (yet slightly evil?) superpower I am still discovering!
Zephyr: yes, the more you return the less they see you as a stereotype, they even remember your name and stop patting you on the head (and stop giving the freebies, alas!)
Alan: now I am curious, can you really GET a cup holder for a wheelchair? Besides, I don't moan, I just give them an excessive case of the guilts (moaning just wasn't as effective).
Casdok: use wisely!
Tasha G: Thanks, I think age will soon require me to come up with alternatives; how about discreet ladylike coughs of weakness into lace rimmed hanky?
Lisy Babe: wow, that sucks! (really sucks!) Have you tried a quivering lip and "you don't like me cause I'm not cute!"? Go to the guilt, find it, mine it, make it yours! Oh dear, now I sound like some evil self help speaker.
Orphenadrine: Thanks, I will adopt "cunning" which sounds so much better than "exploitive manipulator"
I'm not exactly up there in the studly stakes, but I still have canteen staff flinging themselves at me to carry my tray -- drop sticky toffee pudding on the floor often enough and they'll soon realise personal slavery is less work in the long run....
I kind of prefer the nonplussed looks on people's faces when I *do* manage to perfectly successfully carry my own tray to my table or similar (technique is important here). Although, on Those Days when I can't manage it, it is nice to be able to effectively get table service in fast-food places. And of all the times I have needed to ask for such help, I have only ever had polite, helpful responses. No one has ever said no or given me a funny look for asking or complained about their slave-wages, which I think is nice.
oh, i like this post very much. milk it, in a way that would happen to a cow. yes, definitely. someone offer a seat somewhere? take it! someone offer some help or something free? take it! as a friend of mine might say "it would be rather silly not to!". indeed. Keep on the milking til the cows come home!
Elizabeth, this was brilliant! I continually look forward to your posts here because they are so well-written, engaging and thoughtful.
I don't have an outwardly visible disability but plenty of women (myself included) use the 'techniques' you've described to get our way when necessary. I suppose we learned how to milk it early on. Is that such a bad thing? :)
hi, that was so funny, I have 'received' freebie goods and services myself a few times, and felt a tiny bit guilty.But - it was others who were doing these things to me, I had no say in the matter, I was not asking for them. As you have said, people are treating you as a stereotype, and its actually quite satisfying to get revenge on some people!
DavidGillion: I see you have the "re-education program" well in hand - please post if for us once you have it perfected?
Mary: See, I guess my problem is that I have issues asking for help (good on you though!); which is why I use guile to get what I want instead. I see therapy in my future.
Miles Away: Exactly, it is win/win - they could care less about me and think they are earning points with God and I get Free Stuff!
Just a Girl: I don't think it is bad; the more elightened and genuinely interested someone is in you...the less it works. But then, remember, I'm "bad".
puffalumps: I try to see it as sort of public service announcement - either treat us equal or your guilt will force you to give me mochas!
Sounds wonderful except all you are doing is perpetuating a stereotype. Next time these people see a person in a wheelchair they will assume they are helpless. And maybe that next time is when they are interviewing that person in a wheelchair for a job opening. As the father of a disabled person, I don't want people looking at my son and seeing a disability. I want them to see my son as a person with strengths and weaknesses just like them. And a free cup of coffee at Starbucks isn't worth making things harder for all disabled people.
And yes, you can get a wheelchair cup holder. They cost about $10. Perhaps when you aren't busy perpetuating stereotypes you could Google "wheelchair cup holder".
Tom: I think we've established that I'm evil, I freely admit it. And while I think it would be great to set a shining example for all who follow....I'm not that person - I recommend someone like Lady Bracknell or Goldfish. I believe being in a wheelchair doesn't require me to be a better person, at least not every day. (Also, I have googled and have yet to find a cup holder for my chair - I don't have armrests, I have tapered leg mounts - any suggestions where to clamp the thing - other than to my leg?)
Sounds wonderful except all you are doing is perpetuating a stereotype.
See, and Elixabeth may disagree with me on this one, I think the stereotype being perpetuated here is more about women that disability. I have acted in a very similar way in the past, and received free gifts and attentive service as a result. I don't think this behaviour does have a negative impact on other disabled people either - perhaps the Starbucks staff will be a bit more attentive to the next disabled person who comes in, why is that so bad? And unless your son is planning a career in Starbucks, it has nothing to do with job prospects.
What I also find is that it can lead to a conversation, where people find out that I have a physics degree, a full time career, an active social life and strengths and weaknesses just like them, and that I'm not "just someone with a disability".