主播大秀

Well obnviously disability isn't a laughing matter, but here goes.

Q: What goes one bonk two bonk three bonk four
A: A man with a wooden leg.

That was in the Crack-a-Joke book and taught me to be disablist from an early age. remember the Crack-A-Joke book? I remember kids reading it in the playground.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A bloke is showing a Kazakhstan bloke around London and they come to a Pelican crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep....' 'Whats that for?' asked one of the girls. 'Oh thats just to let the blind know that the lights have changed' said the bloke. 'My Gaad' she said, really shocked, 'in Kazakhstan we don't even let them drive...'

pete

Oh Great malfunctioniong simian one,
pleasey, squeezy correct that old garbage of a joke to Kazakhstan where it mentions young girls.
Wuz gonna send you a ruder one but changed me mind.

I'll give yer a lithium tab if's ya do

I posted this earlier but it didn't arrive for some reason. Here goes again:

My fave crip joke of all time was in a South Park episode.

Q: How many able-bodied people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

I always remember this one from school.

An old woman decided one day that it was about time she got a husband so she put an add in the local paper.

Add read:
Husband Wanted

sixty to seventy years old, must not chase me, must not beet me and must be good in bed.

Weeks later the doorbell rang and a man was there in a wheelchair. The woman said "how can I marry you, You have no legs?" That means I can't chase you the man replied "but you have no arms" the woman said. So I cant beat you the man answered. Ok the woman said so are you any good in bed.

The man smiled and said

Well I rang the doorbell didnt I.

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey?is that God?s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian?s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, "Don?t touch me! I?m drawing disability!"

I remember Jim davidson telling a ridiculous joke about a man with a rubber eye.

The gist was ...

A double decker bus came along. The woman standing in the queue next to him said: "it looks crowded, I wonder if there are any seats up top". So the man took his eye out, bounced it on the pavement .... and ...

What a rubbish joke. But the audience screamed with laughter. Screamed.

It's not even a joke but I think it's hilarious.

When people ask what exactly my suboccipital craniotomy/posterior fossa decompression for Chiari and Syringomyelia acommplished, I just look at them and say..

" Well, I used to be narrow minded"

Ok, so only Chiarians think that's funny.

OK, here goes...

What goes 99 bonk?
A centipeed with a wooden leg.

A man walks into a pub and takes off his parashoot. A man next to him notices he's blind and says. 'how do you know when to pull your parashoot cord?' The first man says, 'Easy. My guide dog's leed goes slack.'

A blind man walks into a pub and swings his guide dog around on the end of its leed. A man asks him what he's doing, and the blind man says, 'just looking around.'

You can tell its a Friday afternoon!

Ok some of you people who are really really old that you forget what tyme of day it is. Just forget it cause youll never know untill youre 300 years old in which case youll know what tyme of day itll be

-one-

Dee felt like her old polio body had gotten totally out of shape
since the arthritis started, so her doctor suggested she join a
swimming club and start exercising ... Dee decided to take a
stretching-in-the-pool class for people with arthritis. How'd
it go? She said, "I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my swimsuit on,
the class was over.

-two-
What do you call a chicken with a disability? Hendicapped.

-three-
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it
finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was
the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a strange noise he heard in the
engine," she explained.

"Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger.

"Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit
to find a deaf pilot."

Disabled patient: DOCTOR! I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: That's because I've amputated your arms!