主播大秀

Life thru a Lens (75)

• Ben Dirs
• 4 Sep 07, 11:38 AM

Near Lens

BEN: There is something slightly disturbing about watching a man kissing and stroking a 3G internet card in the back of a darkened motor home in a remote campsite in Normandy鈥ommy?

TOM: Desperation can force a man to do many things, Benjamin. Why, there was the time that, naked as the day I was born, I was forced to鈥� but no. That story is perhaps a little racy for the current climate. And I鈥檝e apologised to the in question a thousand times, anyway.

BEN: Talking of racy, when Internet connection was finally achieved after fully three hours of phone calls to 主播大秀 support, our line manager and some work experience oik from our internet provider, I came very close to losing control and administering a few kisses of my own. In fact, Tommy, I came very close to sticking you through the wall of the . Sorry, the luxury motor home鈥�

TOM: Back yourself on this one - the Monty Panesar-style celebration gallop went down a storm with the open-mouthed French family on the adjacent pitch.

BEN: Yes, Tommy, but the quiet French family on the adjacent pitch hadn鈥檛 spent most of their the day wrestling with unfathomable technology 鈥� anyone? Nope, I still haven鈥檛 got a clue either. I get the feeling I鈥檓 going to spend a lot of time on this trip nodding while Tom talks, pretending that I鈥檝e got some idea what鈥檚 going on. So far, I don鈥檛鈥�

TOM: In the van of the mute, the man with GCSE French is king. Personally, I鈥檓 getting my kicks from the way we seem to have inadvertently been granted access to some sort of secret . Every time we pass a Winnebago, the driver raises the motorhome Hand of Friendship. It almost makes up for all the maniacal car drivers who keep blasting their horns and waving unfriendly fingers at our giant bumpers.

BEN: I suspect those angry horns might have had something to do with LP we had blasting out as we bombed down the D224. Being a non-driver, I鈥檓 not normally big on motor vehicles, but this thing Tom鈥檚 driving really is a thing of beauty. I鈥檝e been getting a little bit aroused every time my thighs make contact with the brushed leather seats. It is, however, listing alarmingly to one side already and I鈥檓 thinking that the Camembert was a bit of an impetuous buy. It like we鈥檝e got a French tramp living in one of the cubby holes.

TOM: You wait till the seal gets broken on the chemical convenience out the back. Incidentally, you know the Beeb bosses have given you the gig of emptying that hellish contraption for the next seven weeks, seeing that I鈥檓 chauffeuring you round the greatest jolly of your life as if you were a rugby-reporting Princess Margaret?

BEN: Shut it Trapalot, have you seen the books I鈥檝e brought with me? The Good, The Bad and The Bubbly by George Best, 鈥楢rry, by Harry Redknapp and The Guv'nor by Lenny McLean 鈥� because of me, you鈥檙e basically travelling round France with the in the boot.

TOM: I鈥檓 more than happy to read them all to you too. Plus those copies of Heat and Grazia you stashed in the cutlery draw.

BEN: Pipe down 鈥here you driving me tomorrow?

TOM: We鈥檙e off to Lens. Time to see what鈥檚 going on there ahead of England鈥檚 opener against the USA. And see if we can be the first ones to use 鈥淟ife Thru A Lens鈥� as a headline.

BEN: Fifty euros if we get that as a headline on the site. By the way, since Internet connection was achieved, my worries have become rather more mundane, like 鈥渉ow can I let Tom, a man who is trimmer than a butcher鈥檚 apron, see me in nothing but my smalls every day?鈥� I was tiptoeing around the van this morning in my t-shirt like a fat man after a one-night stand.

TOM: Relax, my friend 鈥� I鈥檝e always been more of a personality man. And those limited edition briefs you were sporting from the Matt Dawson at Primark range made the very most of your stout assets.

Ben Dirs is a 主播大秀 Sport journalist travelling around France in a camper van with Tom Fordyce.

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