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 Look Out East on Broken News
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Broken News - all the news you are ever going to need
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The Networks
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ESN
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A triumph of style over content where news is forever coming up but never arrives. Ìý
Anchors
ESN's glossy sets have even glossier presenters, Katie Tate (Sharon Horgan) and Richard Pritchard (Duncan Duff). Ìý
Typical news introduction
"Still to come. A round-up of our reminders of all the news still to come so far. All that still to come. But first. Coming up." Ìý
Reporters
Melanie Bellamy (Indira Varma) presents a section called The Standing News where the most newsworthy feature is the fact that she's standing up. Exactly how many routes round a news set can there be? Find out by watching The Standing News on ESN, standing up for news. Ìý
Nick Burnham (Darren Boyd), ESN's man in space, stationed (if not marooned) exclusively and pointlessly on the international space station.
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Typical exchange with Standing News presenter Melanie Bellamy:
"And finally Nick, what's your sense of what the mood is up there in space tonight?" "In a word, Melanie, dire."
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IBS
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News of Americans, for Americans, by Americans.
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Anchors
Anthony Markovitz (Colin Stinton), who has the guy in the bar approach to news, and Julia Regan (Claudia Christian) who is intent on reporting the serious side of the story.
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Typical Anthony Markovitz comment: "See, this is one of those things – I have absolutely no idea how it works. Then again, I don't really understand how the toaster works. It's ten after five."
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Weather Girl
Alecia, the cheerleading presenter of worldwide weather wide update.
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PVS' Katie Willard on Broken News
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PVS
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The earnest, no-frills network.
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Anchors
Frances Walsh (Clare Wille) and Adam Lockwood (Steve Toussaint) - the perfect, co-operating co-presenters who speak and move as one. They take the art of co-presenting to a new level, even completing each other's sentences with astonishing but irrelevant ease.
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Reporters
Will Parker (Benedict Cumberbatch), Worldly News Correspondent. Will's fate is to be live when the key figure in the story fails to appear. So Will has to fill. And fill. And in the world of news, nobody fills better than Will.
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Typical Will Parker report: "Well, the speculation here in Washington has been at least as much to do with what Mr Rumsfeld isn't going to say as it has been about what he might or might not say, when he arrives any minute now behind me.
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"We know, for instance, that he isn't going to say anything about what we originally thought he was going to talk about. But then I think we knew that already – that's just not his style. What I can tell you is that Mr Rumsfeld is a man in no mood to mince his words, whatever words he decides to choose to use or indeed not use, and of course we'll know that very shortly indeed."
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Katie Willard (Nicola Walker) reports on human interest stories from rising sea levels and crime to Half Way There Day. All her reports go at an incredible pace because she's lined up so many interviewees (and when we say lined up, they are literally lined up). As a result, Katie never has time to listen to the answers to her often over-long questions.
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Richard Harbinger (Roderic Culver) - as his name suggests, the bearer of bad news.
Typical comments: "One thing's for sure, things are going to get worse before they get a lot worse." And: "Worry has taken over cancer and heart disease as the biggest single cause of paranoia."
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LOOK OUT EAST
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The surreal side of local news, where you're local tonight.
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Between the headlines and at the heart of Look Out East is a triple act between presenters Phil Curdridge (Kim Wall), Sarah Holt (Carli Norris) and weatherman and bonhomme Russ (Phil Nice).
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Typical report
"It's official. A damning new report says that the flow of East European prostitutes through Thetford is now out of control. An exclusive report coming up… And in a special report tonight. A new special report warns that over 80 per cent of the region will be under water in 20 years' time and there's already nothing that any of us can do about it."
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Typical anchors' exchange with weatherman Russ
Phil Curdridge: "No, well, as they say, let's not go there."
Weatherman Russ: "Moving on. Let's not go there. Don't want to upset Mrs Russ."
Sarah Holt: "Yes. Let's not go there. Honestly boys…"
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With all this banter we never actually get to see Russ do the weather.
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Gary Mills of Aronovitz Business News on Broken News
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ARONOVITZ BUSINESS NEWS
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More rolling, spinning business news than a team of plate spinners has broken crockery.
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Cynical, self-styled man of the people, City analyst Gary Mills (Kevin Day).
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Typical Gary Mills comment: "People who work from home aren't actually working? Well roll me in bubble wrap and call me a parcel."
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Guy Batson of Go SPORTS 1 on Broken News
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Go SPORTS 1
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Live news behind the news behind the sport with the stats you really need to know – which Premiership club owns the most Dido CDs and who are the top football lovers this season.
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Anchors
Kevin Peters (James Howard) and Natalie Gosling (Joanna Bobin)
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Typical GoSports 1 comments
"Ellen MacArthur's plans to sail her boat single-handedly around all the other boats in the world may run into…"
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"Football now, and Wayne Rooney may find himself electronically tagged during the World Cup…"
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Reporter
Guy Batson (Tom Goodman Hill) is a sports reporter always keen to show off the breadth of his cultural knowledge, which is a problem because he doesn't have any.
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Typical Guy Batson report:
From Reading's Football Stadium on Dean Hargrove, the club's star striker: "Thomas Hardy may have been less than complimentary in his portrayal of Reading in his novel, Jude the Obscure, but if Jude was alive today it's odds on she'd have a picture of Dean Hargrove on her wall, and it wouldn't be obscure."
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SO NEWS
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Everything you ever wanted to know about the world of celebrity.
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Anchors
Co-presented by Claudia Van Sant (Lucy Porter) and Colin Kay (Phil Brodie).
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Reporter
Josh Cashman (Phil Nichol, winner of this year's Edinburgh Comedy Festival), the campest, most outrageous gossip broadcaster on TV (also known as the Wicked Bitch of the West) is our man in LA with the cool by the pool.
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Typical Josh Cashman comment: "Oh. My. Gawwwddd!!!!!!!! It's HUGE… this is a HUGE story!!!"
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FILM and MOVIE NEWS
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Interviews with all the star names in the movie industry
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Joe Reed (Tom Goodman Hill) is the master of insincerity and resident film critic. Joe gossips and flirts his way through star interviews before he ruthlessly tears to shreds their latest movie the moment they're out of camera shot.
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Typical movie review: "July Sheron there. Quite probably the most delightful and glorious woman on earth. And talented with it. Makes you sick. As does her new film Slutty Behaviour, which is an absolute train wreck of a movie…"
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15 SECONDS NEWS
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A round-up of world news in 15 seconds.
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Anchor
Anita Ratchathani (Preeya Kalidas), the world's fastest newsreader.
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Typical bulletin: "I'm Anita Ratchathani and this is 15 Seconds. The headlines this hour. At home. A car, that's right a car, gets stuck up a tree in Basildon. In international news. Israel threatens. And sport. Two new world records. That's it for now. More later."
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TRAFFIC ROUND-UP-DATE
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Round-up of the latest traffic conditions, even if there's nothing much to talk about.
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Reporter
Claire (Sarah Hadland): "The A23 Minger Lane slip road now. Again, pretty good really. Couple of buses there, but otherwise traffic flowing quite well. The A312 Scary Circus. Again, as you can see, really quite normal amount of traffic in both directions. Very few buses."
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