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Cast of characters
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The Italian Lady
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Eeek! Don't look at this Italian maid dust-bustin'. Why? Because she's really, really boring and super-shy, you bozos!
The Italian Lady returns to irritate the hapless tour guide and his group of tourists as they meander around stately homes.
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery with Tony Way.
Written by Lucy Montgomery and Bob Mortimer. Ìý
The Darters
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Paula the twitching darts captain returns to the ochey with her long-suffering team-mates. Her playing hasn't improved and she still smokes the same number of fags as Kerry Katona when she had all that trouble with Brian McFadden.
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But that doesn't stop her squaring up to a strangely similar captain from Holland, or from putting herself up for sale in a very special Ladies' Night auction.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen and Lucy Montgomery with Lorraine Cheshire and Tony Way.
Written by Jill Parker. Ìý
Maxine Bendix
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The irrepressible Maxine "It's just a little bit of seepage" Bendix returns to chase her dreams of love and celebrity. But amid the jeers and the heckles, has life finally offered our surgically-enhanced heroine a taste of true happiness?
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One thing's for sure: her Christmas calendar is sure to be a big seller. Isn't it?
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery.
Written by Bob Mortimer. Ìý
The Harrogate Ladies
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They're post-menopausal, they're naked from the waist down and this series our nude sew-ers are going back to nature on a camping trip.
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Zip up your Gortex and join Val, Joan, Edith and Margaret as they face the elements in the countryside.
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery, Debbie Chazen, Shelley Longworth and Katie Brand. Written by Lisa Clark.
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Don Peacock
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Balding lothario Don Peacock is still looking for a little chit chat, a little tittle-tattle and, of course, a little pee pee. We can only hope that in the social whirl of visitors and trips to the drop-in centre, Don will remember the golden rule: never piddle on the family.
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And this series there's a very special guest visitor dropping in to Don's digs.
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery.
Written by Bob Mortimer.
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Mrs Baxter
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There's only one thing that upsets older lady Mrs Baxter, and that's the lack of fights in her poxy 'hood. This series she picks fights with anyone and anything ranging from a politician to a dog - but there's one fight she might just regret starting.
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery.
Written by Bob Mortimer.
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The Shut Up Family
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Mum, Dad, Nadia and Tresemme might be a quirky family but they love each other and know that the family who enjoy duck and chips together, stays together.
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Join them as they hunt for fresh duck, meet Nadia's latest boyfriend and also spend a very special Christmas together.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen, Lucy Montgomery, Di Botcher and Tony Way.
Written by Steve Burge and Bob Mortimer.
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Trina and Jean
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Part stately home stewards, part fighting machines, Trina and Jean continue to bash the living daylights out of each other in their campaign of silent violence amid the objets d'art.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen and Shelley Longworth.
Written by Bob Mortimer.
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Carol, Leslie-Marie and Dennis
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He's more dozy couch potato than violent, cross-dressing alcoholic, but Carol Booth still hopes new fiance Dennis might be the key to getting on the Jeremy Kyle Show - especially since model daughter Leslie-Marie still hasn't a knife and next-door neighbour Michelle proves to be more of a match than she could ever have anticipated.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen, Vel Tshabalala and Tony Way.
Written by Jill Parker.
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Melanie, Colleen and Nathalie
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Colleen, Nathalie and Melanie love to watch telly, and then bitch and moan about everyone they see on the box. From Sir Alan Sugar to Trinny and Susannah, no one is safe from their patois-laced tongues.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen, Lucy Montgomery and Vel Tshabalala.
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Written by Jill Parker.
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Pete Wade
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's back, with a new hairstyle and a new job. Pete's now a Senior Sales Negotiator at an estate agents and he's looking for a sweet peach of a lady to show round the property and then take out for dinner.
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Is he still as annoying as he used to be? Yup, yup, yup, yup, yuuuuup!
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery.
Written by Bob Mortimer.
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Salty Tales
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The welfare of a storm-blasted coastal village is dependent on the tidings of one man: the fearsome Magwash. Every night the locals gather in the pub to await his cryptic tales of how transport will be supplied, what they will be able to eat or where they should do their shopping.
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Only when the telling of the tale is complete can the kayleigh begin. But that could take some time, as Magwash is not known for brevity.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen and Lucy Montgomery with Shelley Longworth, Steve Burge, Steve Oram and Tony Way.
Written by Bob Mortimer.
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Tom Cruisin'
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Introducing the seamless transformation of Lucy Montgomery into her most extraordinary character creation yet: movie superstar Tom Cruise.
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Tom is on a tour of England and determined to sample the traditional delights of our country with his long-suffering bodyguards - if only his bodyguards were as enthusiastic as he is.
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery, Steven O'Donnell, Steven Aintree, Steve Oram, Steve Burge and Tony Way.
Written by Bob Mortimer.
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Rachel Hodgson
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Rachel is a DJ on Radio Cleveland's Sunday morning God Slot. Over the years, she has completely lost interest both in Jesus and her job.
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Nowadays she just about maintains consciousness during interviews by downing Alka Seltzer, torturing her guests with pointless interjections and over-using her jingles.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen.
Written by Bob Mortimer and Steve Burge.
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Veronica Cooper
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Horsey blonde Veronica and her equally posh friend Christina have made a DVD in a bid to share their favourite outdoor pursuit with the world. Join them watching strong, uneducated men horsing around and play-fighting in the summer sunshine.
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And remember, Christina wasn't actually meant to be there at all.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen and Lucy Montgomery.
Written by Jill Parker.
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Is It Glynne?
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No-one will ever be safe again using their mobile phone in public as Debbie Chazen's new character insists on finding out who people are talking to.
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Is it Glynne? Is it? Is it Glynne? Is it? It's imperative that we find out, apparently.
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Performed by Debbie Chazen.
Written by Steve Burge.
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Jackie and Nikki
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Jackie and Nikki are mates. That doesn't stop Jackie from exploiting Nikki's exceptional gullibility for cash and favour, but it does mean that Nikki learns to do all sorts of bastard spooky things like flying, becoming invisible and walking on water in return.
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery and Debbie Chazen.
Written by Ali Crockatt, David Scott and Bob Mortimer.
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Titty Cabaret
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Meine Damen und Herren, mesdames et messieurs, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Titty Cabaret - the bazooma klub und boobie haus?
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What will be painted on Helga's titties today? A cat and mouse, or Richard and Judy? In this bappenshow, anything could happen. Outrageous!
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Written and performed by Lucy Montgomery.
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Vampire Slayers
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Once in every generation, a person is chosen and they alone must do battle with the dynasty of the vampires. They will be named the Vampire Slayer.
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Unfortunately for Barnsley, this generation's great hope against 'neck pests' is Rachel, a leather-clad, Wesley Snipes obsessive.
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With fellow housewives Donna and Karen, Rahel hunts down vampires with the aid of a crucifix, a sword, some shallots and, of course, some Cillit Bang.
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Performed by Lucy Montgomery, Debbie Chazen and Esther Coles.
Written by Bob Mortimer.
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