 | 16 October 2014 |
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Celebrity Team  Rhod Gilbert
12th February 2008 After performing his final challenge - doing a stand-up comedy routine in Welsh as a warm-up for the Jonathan show on S4C
Don't believe a word Cerys says in her diary. A grand performance, my ****, it was a disaster. An unmitigated disaster. I told them it would be; I told them that doing stand up in Welsh was too hard for me. But they wouldn't listen.
The producers and Cerys made me do it. They made me go through with it. They threatened me with violence. Cerys had a whip and thigh high boots. Well maybe not that last bit.... Anyway, it's done now. And only now am I starting to relax...a week or so later. Actually, Cerys is right about one thing, I was a mess of nerves beforehand. I'm always nervous before a gig, but this was always going to be worse.
Hanging round waiting to go on stage knowing that you can't speak the language you're about to try to perform in is terrifying. It went by in a blur. My plan was to get out on that stage and rant and rave about how difficult the task was, about how I couldn't do it, about how it was my teacher's fault, and about how easy it was for the others on the BWC to do their challenges in Welsh.
For instance, all Colin Charvis had to do is run out onto the pitch and shout 'heave' every now and again (in Welsh obviously), and he's done it. My hope was that I would get so worked up on stage that some Welsh would come out; not the most sophisticated plan but it may just have worked. You'll have to judge for yourselves.
You'll never see my 'Welsh' set on a DVD, but some people definitely laughed and that's all stand up is about. After the programme, I was a bit giddy with adrenalin. Cerys and I had done it, we'd finished, and we were in celebratory mood...it's no small feat that she's managed to teach me anything....read my school reports and you'll see that that's not easy....I have the attention span of a wasp.
But hats off to her, she did it. In that post gig atmosphere of excitement, I foolishly said I'd do another gig in Welsh one day. Part of me wants to do it. And I'm definitely going to go on learning.
21st January 2008 Well I knew this would happen. A few weeks ago, I was summoned to the Big Welsh Challenge office and given my final task. To be honest, I saw it coming. It did not take a genius to work out that they would make me do some stand up in Welsh.
I knew that I wouldn't be allowed to go through this humiliating experience in a little club with only six people to witness it. I knew that the tragic event would be televised. So, I am to do some stand up in Welsh on the Jonathan Show. However much I expected something like this, it's no less terrifying. Stand up comedy is terrifying anyway. Walking out in front of crowds and trying to make them laugh is a desperately lonely and often crushing experience. Trying to do it in a language in which I can barely say, "Good Evening"....this was a stupid idea..."Good night" is taking it to extremes.
It's "extreme stand up". There is no such thing as "extreme stand up" because it's bad enough already, but that's what this feels like. So did I run out of the office and prepare for this Herculean task? That would have been a good idea. Have I been swotting up on my Welsh and writing a set? No. I didn't and I haven't. I have done nothing as yet. The truth is I'm too scared. Every day, I think, "I'll do it tomorrow." So, down to work....oh, actually, I'll do it tomorrow, I promise. At this stage, any offers of help genuinely appreciated.
27th November 2007 After performing the third challenge - solving a murder mystery
It was difficult - the most difficult thing we've had to do. I didn't understand a word they said.
I did enjoy it but I'm not sure what I got out of it. If it was about understanding what people say I'm not sure I achieved that!
16th November 2007 After performing the first challenge - singing Sosban Fach at the Children in Need appeal What can I say? I am bitterly disappointed. I worked so hard for this. So many sleepless nights spent rehearsing. And all for nothing.
Lowri, bless her, she's busy, I appreciate that. But is it too much to ask her to rehearse? She had the words written on her hand. Simon has a voice like a tone-deaf town crier and Colin sounds like a cow. If it wasn't for Di Botcher the whole thing would have fallen apart.
I'm just thankful my mentor, Cerys, wasn't here to see or, more importantly, hear that rubbish. She's living it up in the jungle while I'm here with these snakes!
12th October 2007 The third challenge is ridiculous...the people at The Big Welsh Challenge have decided that it would be useful for me to learn the Welsh words for murder, blood, dagger, pistol, alibi and so on. I don't know what they think I get up to in my spare time. Surely it would be more use to me to learn things that will come in useful in Wales, like "Can I have a pint of milk please?", "Do you know the way to Swansea Bay?" or "Don't sit on that, that's my lovespoon". The challenge card said I'd be involved in a murder investigation.
I'm not quite sure what this means. If I am really going to be involved in a murder investigation then I am outraged that the 主播大秀 is spending licence payers' money creating programmes where people like me with no detective experience can be drafted into murder investigations just so that they can learn Welsh. Surely me sticking my nose into the operation is going to slow the whole investigation down, leaving a dangerous villain type at large for longer than necessary? How many more people will have to die for my grammar to improve?
Or maybe the 主播大秀 is going to arrange a murder just for me to investigate. If so, I will be complaining in the strongest terms about their practices. Innocent people should not be killed just so that I can learn a few words of Welsh. This is a classic case of the ends not justifying the means. Or, worst of all, the Beeb plans on sending me on a murder mystery weekend thing where everyone dresses up and has to pretend to be Lord so-and-so and stay in character. Stuff like that makes my skin crawl. Ironically, I may end up killing someone. At least I'll be able to describe how I did it in Welsh in my trial!
30th June 2007 On my show on Radio Wales I caught up with some other people foolish enough to learn Welsh at a Big Welsh Challenge Welsh Learners' Day, Newtown. Amazing how far some people come to get a taste of the language!
22nd June 2007 - Challenge 2: Calling a dance at the G诺yl Ifan Rhod's comments on calling the steps of the dance "Jac y Do": It was terrible, absolutely terrible - a disaster. I'd done a lot of work on this and so I thought the dancers would know their stuff and the band would be in tune and they'd know what to do. I thought everybody would have worked hard and put the right amount of effort in, but they hadn't done anything. The dancers didn't know their steps, they hadn't put any work in - they were nasty people, mean spirited people and the band were all over the shop. What can I say?
The band couldn't play the instruments and I don't know where they got those people from - maybe they found them in the services somewhere on the way here and just gave them an instrument each - but they didn't know the tunes and it was chaos and I've been let down very badly by those people. But, you know, I'm a survivor aren't I?
6th June 2007
The second Big Welsh Challenge has been revealed. Rhod and Cerys opened their envelope live on 主播大秀 Radio Wales - and Rhod was shocked to find he'd be calling the steps for a Welsh folk dance. Speaking from Cerys's house in Nashville, Tennessee, he told Alan Thompson on The Afternoon Show, "I've never even seen a Welsh folk dance. I think it's impossible!"
Rhod had travelled to the US so Cerys could help him prepare for the challenge. He'll get a chance to test his dance-calling skills at the G诺yl Ifan in Cardiff later this month.
16th March 2007 And I am trying. I've been asking anyone I hear speaking Welsh what they are talking about. This is not always welcome. Asking two women chatting privately in a Cardiff bar whether you can listen in is quite intrusive, especially when they are talking about one of them getting divorced, messily apparently. Apologies for butting in ladies, and thanks for the four letter Welsh lesson. I was in Italy last weekend, broadcasting for the radio show from Rome for the six nations. I spent all day on the Friday prior to the show sitting on the rooftop of the 主播大秀 Rome office, with the Vatican behind me and an amazing vista of Rome in the foreground. One of the producers was Welsh speaking and I seized the chance to learn a bit of Welsh in these amazing surroundings. I managed a few words before she decided that my efforts were ruining what was a truly unforgettable afternoon in one of the most beautiful spots on earth and put her headphones on and pretended she was busy. That night I discovered to my horror that Di Botcher, one of my rivals (sorry but this is a competition now) has a private tutor, quite apart from all the official help she's getting from BB's Glyn Wise. I know because I met said tutor in Rome at 1 in the morning, on a pavement. If that's the way you want to play it Di, then fair enough. Two can play at that game. The gloves are off. hwyl (I think)
March 2007
On his first challenge (to perform Sosban Fach in front of an audience):
If it's in front of thousands it will be a lot worse, although probably the worst thing would be a very small audience. It's not so much the song or the Welsh - it's more getting up in front of people that I'm worried about, which is an odd thing for a stand-up comic to say.
On learning Welsh: Come back soon for updates
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