主播大秀

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. An obituary for Captain Birdseye appeared in the Times in 1971.

2. Arthur C Clarke wrote story-lines for the comic-book hero, Dan Dare.

3. The Easter Act 1928 fixes the date for Easter but the law has not been implemented.

4. The average child's clothing costs are 拢600 a year.

5. Lhamo Thondup was renamed Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso when he became the Dalai Lama aged 15.

6. Sleepwalking is linked to sleep deprivation.

7. The CND sign is based on semaphore for N(uclear) and D(isarmament) but it also signifies human despair.

8. Having alcohol in glass containers in football grounds in Scotland is illegal.

9. Men eat more Brussel sprouts and broccoli than women.

10. The most frequently used term of abuse in schools is "gay".

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Elizabeth for this week's picture of 10 auto rickshaws in Rajasthan, northern India.

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RE: . Whose bright idea was it to start major railway engineering on Good Friday, one of the busiest travelling dates of the year!?!
Mike Harper, Devon, UK

Is there a bit of sinister, yet ironic, malfeasance going on ? Watch on right wrist, but using right hand for delicate maintenance. Hmmm..
Dodie James, London, UK

Just wondering why the Daily Express describes itself as a "family" newspaper? I never see children reading it, or young women, or indeed anyone under 55...
Rob, London, UK

We lived in the Yukon back in the 80s and came across : handspun, and then knitted into lovely patterns. Why not dog hair? No one thinks twice about wearing wool.
Sandy, Onario, Canada

is one way for DC to keep his name in the press. So long as he did not show too much leg getting on and off his bicycle.
Candace, New Jersey, US

Glad to see that whoever was following David Cameron had no compunction in also breaking the law in order to bring us this story.
Katie, London

Sign seen at a Singapore construction site: "Warning! This is a hard head area!"
Alex Brodie, Edinburgh

Yay! 0 out of 7 on the ! See? I told everyone I'd been really busy this week and this proves it.
Sue, London

Your story notes the pledge that "The government will encourage the protection of live music venues". So is that more jobs for bouncers?
Mark, Reading

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So what's the aftertaste of a large helping of humble pie? Bitter, judging by the Daily Express.

A day after THAT apology to the McCanns, it's back to business. And in the line of fire this time are the presenters of TV show Loose Women.

The paper's high moral standards are offended by the way the women behaved at an awards ceremony. So offended that the story is on the front page and on the whole of page three.

"They were prepared to let it all hang out - even if no-one actually wanted them to," it says. Miaow!!

Those of delicate sensibilities should look away while Paper Monitor reveals the extent of the debauched behaviour. Are you sure you're ready?

OK, the pictures (which are large, so no reader is in any doubt about the level of depravity) show one woman showing off her legs under her dress, to a mark that can only be described as ABOVE the knee, another pulling a face and ALMOST sticking her tongue out, while a third is wearing a low-cut dress that distinctly shows her CLEAVAGE.

And if that were not sufficiently lascivious, another picture reveals a woman giving a man a PECK on the lips.

Thanks to the restraint of the Express - "indeed there were more photos far too shocking to reveal in a family newspaper" - readers are spared further exposure to such acts.

Such sound judgement is so rare in Fleet Street these days, we can only be glad there are papers like the Express to guide us through the moral minefield.

More good work at the Daily Mirror - maybe front page apologies have a galvanising effect - where they snapped while cycling to work.

The Conservative leader (referred to as simply "Dave" by the paper) held his hands up and apologised.

But don't worry, he had disembarked by then.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"Please don't cross any railings lest suddenness happens!" - Notice offering
advice to English-speaking visitors to the Beijing Olympics.

Badly translated signs in China may be a source of amusement to tourists, but Beijing tourism officials fail to see the funny side.

The Beijing Municipal Tourism Bureau has hired English linguists to eradicate "Chinglish" from signs and shop fronts, ahead of the Olympic Games in August.

But before the English get too smug, they should note that at least the Chinese have the excuse that it's a foreign language.

Londoners will have no such defence when their grammar and spelling comes under scrutiny in four years' time.

Get Lynne Truss on the case.

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It's such a shame the Caption Competition still hasn't returned, as excellent captions such as "The green beer had a strange effect on Mary Poppins" won't be published.
Phil, Cardiff

If only the Caption Competition was back, I would probably send something in along the lines of "Age was definitely starting to catch up with Bono..."
The Bob, Glasgow

If only Caption Competition was back we could reveal the names of these contestants in the new series of "Strictly Singin' In The Rain".
John, Sevenoaks

From the picture it appears that are employed on Severn Railway.
Stuart, Croydon

I'm surely not the only one to ponder whether the Sun labelling somebody "dumb" for being politically unaware (Thursday's Quote of the Day) must be a stab at irony on the periodical's part.
David, Milton Keynes

Sorry, but who's Suzanne Shaw, and what is "Dancing on Ice"?
Rob, London, UK

From today's front page: "." Isn't that a prerequisite for being in labour?
Simon Robinson, Birmingham, UK

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St Patrick's Day parade, Tokyo, 16 March 2008.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

After the cerebral ponderings of yesterday's souvenir edition of Paper Monitor, it's back to business with a game of How Do We Know It's Thursday (HDWKIT).

Unlike its Monday iteration, a quick round of HDWKIT is unlikely to yield a response about Holly Willoughby's cleavage. Rather, readers looking for a Thursday yardstick are pointed to the Daily Telegraph which hardly ever falters in marking the weekly publication of the erudite journal with a treatment on one or two of their stories.

Today we have "Clues to life, but not as we know it, on a world 63 light years away" and "How longer days could make us chirpy".

Talking of chirpy, it's Easter and that means eggs and that means chicks and that, according to the Mirror, means bargains. A leap of faith too far? Allow Paper Monitor to fill in the gap: chicks go "cheep" which is only one letter away from "cheap". So, stick a picture of a fluffy chick with a speech bubble that says "CHEEP CHEAP", team it all up with a line that says "Easter's set to be miserable so cheer yourself up with some greatbargains (sic)" and bingo, a full-page rundown of things that have been discounted in the big High Street shops.

Look, there's even a shop selling half-price lingerie, forcing the poor subs to use a gratuitous picture of a woman in a bra to illustrate the piece. How they must have struggled to decide on that.

Finally, it's back to Macca and Mucca. Yesterday's Paper Monitor left no room to commend the Daily Mail's take on the Fiona Shackleton bouffanticide affair. So a belated badge of honour to the Mail for this illustrated observation "Paul's lawyer goes from Camilla to Diana... on the same day".

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"I'm going to be honest. I've never heard either of these names before" - Dancing on Ice winner Suzanne Shaw is stumped by a question on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Suzanne Shaw, as famous for being jilted by Darren Day as for her brief stint as a pop star, is lambasted in the Sun as "dumb" for not knowing the identities of the US Democrat presidential hopefuls. Having been asked which candidate she preferred, she was forced to admit her bafflement. The ice rink star, somewhat appositely, is about to have a Barbie doll made in her image.

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For those of you who have come here from the Daily Mini-Quiz...

They used to say "lashings and lashings of ginger beer", but now they can be heard exclaiming "cell phones are the greatest - you can order pizza with them".

Sixty-six years after Enid Blyton's original Famous Five first discovered their mystery-solving talents, in Five on a Treasure Island, their offspring are taking up the mantle.

The Disney Channel is screening an animated series featuring Jyoti (tomboy George's daughter), Max (son of former gang leader Julian), Dylan (whose dad is Dick), Allie (teary Anne's daughter).

While the dog has the same name - Timmy of course - the mysteries have a modern twist, such as DVD bootlegging.

And gone is the old trusty tool of the trade, the torch, replaced by the mobile phone (Allie calls it a cell because she's Californian).

And Dylan does not seem to have inherited his father's boundless energy. He uses his laptop to check his Japanese stocks and shares.

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Are there really two mortgage lender in the US called and ? They sound awfully like country and western singers to me. This could certainly help explain the credit crunch, as surely it would have been wiser to invest with Johnny Cash?
Dylan, Reading, UK

The Apprentice is coming back. Watch out for all the nonsense speak - "I'm focussed. I'm ambitious. I'm driven. I really deserve this. I'm going to give it 150%".
John Thompson, Durham, UK

Although it's a nice thought having your late dog's hair made into in their memory, I was disturbed to read that the jumpers were "waterproof". You mean those people have been out in the rain, wearing dog-hair jumpers? The mind (and nose) boggles.
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

Does anybody else play the Magazine Monitor drinking game? One sip of coffee for "I'll get my coat", two big gulps for mention of the caption contest, entire mug for speculation on Paper Monitor's gender.
Sophie, London

Can anyone better informed in such matters tell me what happens when the Federal Reserve finally to 0%, as seems inevitable?
Nick Jones, Dorking

Edward Green (Tuesday letters) is partly right. The law actually needs to be extended to include persons listening to loud music on public transport being required to leave by irritated fellow passengers.
David, Romford

Rowina (Tuesday letters), I'd imagine that you'd take the A38 to Heathfield, turn left onto the A382 (the Bovey Tracey Road - gateway to Dionysian excess that it is), through Newton Abbot onto the A381, left again at Totnes and traverse Paignton to land smack bang in the middle of Torbay. Admittedly, your way is easier though.
Dan Shane, Cambridge

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There will be icy tendrils of dread creeping through some parts of Fleet Street today.

The apology by four titles of the Express Newspapers group over their coverage of the Madeleine McCann case has left media pundits scratching their heads for a precedent.

Front page apologies are vanishingly rare, but they are not unheard of. The Daily Mirror had to apologise in May 2004 over its notorious publication of hoax photos purporting to show Iraqi prisoners being mistreated by British soldiers.

But former editor Roy Greenslade has suggested the apology by the Daily Express, Sunday Express, Daily Star and Daily Star Sunday is a first in modern newspaper history - a whole family of newspapers admitting they were wrong.

The front page of the Daily Express is revealing in the precise wording of its apology over articles that suggested Kate and Gerry McCann might be responsible for the death of their daughter.

It says: "We acknowledge that there is no evidence whatsoever to support this theory."

There is no qualification, no suggestion that it is new evidence that calls the newspaper's earlier articles into doubt.

The McCanns' legal team are not releasing a list of the 100 or more headlines and stories the couple took exception to.

But they have let it be known that there were three dates 鈥� 17 and 20 October and 22 November 2007 鈥� in the Daily Express, and three dates 鈥� 2 and 23 October and 3 November 2007 鈥� in the Daily Star that most upset them.

Some of the libellous and false headlines from this period 鈥� "PARENTS' CAR HID A CORPSE" and MADDIE: 'ONLY PARENTS OR PALS COULD HAVE DONE IT' 鈥� are obvious in their offence to the family.

The first was attributed to an anonymous police source, the second merely constituted the ruminations of a tapas waiter.

As well as the apology for printing the stories, the libel case has had an effect on the Express's website. Use the search facility on the site and you are given nine popular search terms 鈥� "Madeleine", "Madeleine McCann", "McCann" , "Princess Diana", "Crossword", "Kate Middleton", "Maddie", "Madeline" and "Sunday Express".

From this you can see how central the coverage of the McCann case has been to the paper's editorial agenda. And yet, a search of the website seems to suggest all stories about the McCanns, with the exception of today's apology, have now been removed from the database.

But looking at the dates that most offended the family on the LexisNexis newspaper database, you see a huge volume of coverage. From 17 October, there are five Daily Express stories on Madeleine.

When public appetite for a story is as immense as it has been, and when there is such a dearth of information from the Portuguese police, there is inevitably pressure on reporters at the scene and back in London to deliver.

The disappearance of Madeleine was of massive interest. There has been considerable debate over the volume of coverage given to the McCanns, compared with other cases like that of Shannon Matthews. A number of commentators have suggested that a case involving a photogenic middle-class girl gets more coverage than one involving a girl from humbler origins.

But whatever the reasons, stories involving Madeleine McCann have been seen as boosting circulation.

"The Express decided - and the Express and the Star are increasingly one and the same - that Maddie sold copies," says former Independent on Sunday editor and media commentator Kim Fletcher.

"In the Express last year... there would be a story about Princess Diana or the McCanns or house prices.

"What happens is you get the cart leading the horse - 'you are going to have a story on that so find a story on that'."

With pressure growing, the normal rules of journalism, such as seeking two reliable sources for a story, can start to erode for some reporters and editors, says Fletcher, chairman of the National Council for the Training of Journalists.

"Often these stories start with freelance agencies. They pitch a bit of hearsay and to their astonishment it is taken up."

While there will be many in the media who will want to consider the Express Newspapers' apology as a one-off case, there are others who will fear it will have more general consequences for the way the news agenda is shaped and stories executed.

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"They can examine my pulse, my urine, my stool, everything" - the Dalai Lama said as he invited the Chinese to investigate their allegations that he had instigated violence in Tibet.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao accused the Dalai Lama of being behind the days of rioting in Tibet, but the spiritual leader of the Tibetans denied it, restating his commitment to non-violent protest. His colourful denial and invitation to the Chinese to probe further was apparently accompanied by colourful miming of the actions.

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The actor who took over promoting fishfingers , you couldn't make it up
Stuart, Croydon

Legal curiosity it may be, but surely a law "" is more necessary than ever?
Edward Green, London, UK

"". Actually, it's been around for quite a while. How else would you drive from Bickham House to Torbay in Devon?
Rowina O'Neill, Eutin, Germany

Re: . Was there a hole in the trunk?
Lester Mak, London, UK

Unless, Kate (Monday's letters), unlike Schrodinger's cat, he had not been in the canoe when he vanished.
John, Sevenoaks

Kate from London: It's not whether being able to tell if he's vanished or not... it's the fact that he has BOTH vanished AND not vanished. It's only when you find the canoe with or without a person in it that one event ceases to exist. If you understand it now then I haven't explained it well enough.
Kaz, Hong Kong

Kate - maybe that implies that until the canoe is found, the man has vanished AND not vanished?
Sasha, Edinburgh

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Something bad happened in the financial world yesterday. Something very bad.

What else could be signified by the slew of pictures of men in faintly ridiculous blazers looking, well, a little bit peaky. It鈥檚 a phenomenon that has been noted in this parish before.

In the Daily Telegraph business section, there鈥檚 a man with a straggly mullet gazing in numb horror accompanied by a friend in a bi-pastel jacket in shades known as Bridesmaid Dress Peach and Stale Lemon Curd.

On the front of the Financial Times there鈥檚 a pained-looking man adopting the Rocky-on-the-steps pose while a red graph hovers menacing over his head like a rather squiggly pterodactyl.

You can鈥檛 even escape it in the red tops. In the Daily Mirror a German trader with carefully sculpted beard screws his eyes shut in a constipated manner.

In the Daily Star, Lucy Pinder has a diagram of the markets鈥� fluctuation over her sweeping d茅colletage. Er, well, not really. The Star has long gone for totally straight bikini-free business news and today is no different.

Paper Monitor must acknowledge the end of Mills McCartney divorce battle yesterday.

First, we must pay tribute to Fiona Shackleton, lawyer for Sir Paul, who allegedly had a glass of water poured over her. In the before photo she looks like Farrah Fawcett鈥檚 long lost sister. But after the bouffanticide of the water attack, she actually looks better. Ten years younger in fact.

Secondly we must make a heartfelt plea. Subs of the world of newspapers, you have had your fun. The 主播大秀 knows it has offended too, but the Beatles 鈥減uns鈥� must stop now. It is over.

There will be no more 鈥淲ET IT BE鈥� or 鈥淭HE LONG AND WHINING MOAN鈥�. You have been warned.

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'The settlement is a good one. What she was demanding was ridiculous' - Heather Mills's father Mark gives his verdict on the divorce settlement.

Heather Mills was happy with the sum she is to receive after the failure of her marriage to former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney. She had originally asked for 拢125m but is to get only 拢25m. Her father Mark thought that was a fair settlement. But there will still be an appeal over certain aspects of the judgement.

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Peter Tong - whoever he may be - . "We're getting ready for a huge mansion party... it's in Bovey. Tracey in Devon tipping us off on that..." is priceless. By the way Pete, there is a party at says; another one at in Gloucesterhire; another looks to be on at from Warwickshire; and finally one at . Does Mr Tong have , by the way, in Shropshire?
Mark, Reading

What exciting news story was top of the 'Most e-mailed' list this morning? - "". I think someone's trying to test how many times something has to be e-mailed to get onto the list.
HB, London

A "Thanks for your e-mail" message at the top of the most e-mailed list? I spy the work of bored Higher Education students. Now there's a good use of expensive education. I am in awe.
Kevin, Derby

Matt from Manchester (Friday's letters ) has pointed out a Schrodinger's cat scenario; until you find the canoe you cannot tell whether the man has vanished or not.
Kate, London

Adam (from Belfast) and Rachel (Friday's letters)? It'll never last, she'll get Cold Feet.
Rik, Ferring, Essex

Don't stop this enjoyable item, please.
Pat, Port of Spain, Trinidad

Monitor: We won't.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Ok, hands up those who, when they saw the headline about , pictured a hapless upper class explorer with a penchant for comfy hotels lost in the wastes of Antarctica?

Now let's start the week with a game of How Do We Know it's Monday?

Altogether now: "Because there's Holly Willoughby's cleavage!"

Given that it's the last in the series of Dancing on Ice, the Mirror kindly gives us a run down of La Willoughby's shockingly non-outrageous wardrobe of previous weeks, with a marks-out-of-10 "Dare rating" for each outfit. Let's just relive that 10/10 backless number again 鈥� such wantonness in that woman, showing her shoulder blades.

Moving on... that story about the party in Devon which got out of hand when hundreds of gatecrashers descended on it. What would make a defining picture for it?
- The one of the mother picking up empty vodka bottles from the floor, surrounded by upturned furniture?
- The one where scores of teenagers are massed outside the house as police try to calm things down?

Put your Telegraph hat on and think again. It was an 18th birthday party and since the bash was held in the 拢3m home of schoolgirl Sarah Ruscoe, one might assume Miss Ruscoe is - how best to say this? - "presentable" to a Telegraph audience. Or is there another reason why there's a giant picture of her on today's front page?

No such squeaky sensibilities over at the Mail, which presents Miss Ruscoe, whip in hand, in her "dominatrix outfit". Ouch.

Finally, an early heads up on what could be this summer's wildlife panic story in the mould of Where have all the wasps gone/Why are there so many flying ants etc.

"The great tick invasion" says the Daily Mail. "A deadly disease spread by blood sucking ticks is spreading rapidly across Europe."

Yikes. Paper Monitor's read enough. Does anyone have a bucket of sand close by for head burying exercises?

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"There won't be any more parties for my daughters" - Rebecca Brooks who had to clear 2,000 revellers from her Devon home.

When Sarah Brooks decided to host her 18th birthday party at home, she could hardly have expected it to make national news. But after advertising the party with a poster at her college, and also on the internet, up to 2,000 teenagers turned up and started trashing the large house in Bovey Tracey, Devon. Her mother, Rebecca, says the 主播大秀 should take some of the blame after Radio One DJ Pete Tong did a "shout out" for the party. The 主播大秀 says Tong didn't give the address of the venue. In fact, a transcript of the shout out reveals he didn't even repeat the name of the village correctly, saying: "We're getting ready for a huge mansion party - 500 plus people going - it's in Bovey. Tracey in Devon tipping us off on that."

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